Movie Review: Valentine's Day Movies for the Rest of Us

I think we can all agree: He had it coming.

We all know it's a Hallmark Holiday. We all realized this fact in middle school when the pretty girls started getting flower arrangements, balloons, and giant boxes of chocolates and all we got was a lousy paper card and a box of conversation hearts. It's a holiday for the pretty people who bought into the thought that love can be bought. (And it can - show up on my doorstep with some flowers and a box of chocolates and even I will be veritable putty in your hands. Mold me, son.) 

So, what are those of us who are alone to do? We could watch whatever romantic shlock is going to be on TV tonight - or we could utilize the gifts that God gave us and see what's playin' on the ol' Netflix. There are plenty of great anti-romance flicks to choose from, this I assure you. So, go pop some popcorn, fix a thermos full of hot cocoa (or grab a bottle of wine - it's all about indulgence) and curl up in bed with one of these antisocial love stories. Conversation hearts optional.

Be warned: You cannot unsee this shit.

This is a love story - about a man and his dogs. Or, a man and his work. Or . . . OK, it's less love story and more tale of perversion, sadism, and murder. At least you can pretend the girls in the movie are the bitches getting boxes of chocolate. They get their chocolate all right. If you have a weak stomach or are in anyway averse to torture or coprophagia, I don't suggest you watch this selection. I can promise you this, The Human Centipede: First Sequence is the most clean and beautifully filmed gore movie you'll ever see. 

Liev Schreiber makes my bandersnatch creep.

If you want to feel cynical about the fate of long term relationships, this is the flick for you tonight. Liev Screiber and Helen Hunt play a married couple who through the trials and tribulations of life have become disconnected. They spend the entirety of the movie trying to foster relationships with just about everyone in their lives except one another. Eddie Izzard also stars as Schreiber's demanding and overbearing boss. Who can argue with Liev and Eddie in one movie?

Who knew sadism could be so sexy?

It's a period drama. That's Valentine's Day stuff. But, since it's about the Marquis de Sade, from whom the word "Sadism" is derived, it's all about violence, sex, violent sex, murder, torture, and varying degrees of insanity. Geoffrey Rush is amazing as the Marquis, while Kate Winslet redeems herself as the laundry lass who helps smuggle his torrid stories to a rabid Parisian audience. Joaquin Phoenix and Michael Caine round out the all star cast as opposing heads of Charaton Asylum with very different ideas about how to handle the inmates.

John Waters was the original bad boy.

Johnny Depp became indie gold in this John Waters flick in the part of Cry-baby Walker, a greaser with a heart of gold. It's a musical, but I assure you, it's no Hairspray. Maybe it's Hairspray's edgier little brother. Starring Iggy Pop, Ricki Lake, Traci Lords, and Susan Tyrell, Cry-baby is the type of love story that will make you forget all about the fact that you didn't get any flowers today. Instead, you'll wish you had received a bottle full of tears or something equally strange and repulsive.

Christian Slater can kill my frenemies any time.

If you're still bitter about those pretty girls who suck up all the love in the world, this one's for you. Murder, mayhem, and hilarity ensue. Post Columbine, this film would have never gotten the green light, but thankfully, it was made in the halcyon days of the 80s with a very young Wynona Rider and a very good looking (non coked out, still promising, and deadly funny) Christian Slater. If only Hollywood would realize, as I have, how very talented he is.

 As for me, I'll be curling up in bed tonight with some fresh fruit and Vin Diesel. I can dream.

(I know you're thinking "Aren't you married?" Yes, indeed I am. Sadly, my husband is in another country right now, and he doesn't really buy into the flowers and chocolates thing anyway which pretty much puts me in the same boat as the rest of you in the gifts and nookie department).