Ten Years Ago

So, this is me about 10 years ago:

I have no idea who these other two are, but it was Warped Tour and everyone was friends for a day.

In August of 2005, I was a new employee at CCR in Palatka, working as a HIPPY Home Visitor. I didn't mention that in the video, and Oh Meus Deus, did I ever love that job! I worked with some really stellar people and I was doing work I believed in and that I was good at. In August 2005, I was going to college in St. Augustine and going to concerts with Shekkey. I miss that. I need more concerts in my life. Alice Cooper was almost a year ago. Too long. I need to make something happen on that front. 

I used to really like wife-beaters.

In August 2005, despite being in debt to my soon to be ex-boyfriend for $1000, I had a job and my own money. I was going somewhere. I was on the way to being self-sufficient. At least, I thought I was. I felt like an adult. Despite the strife that life was often fraught with, and believe me, it was unending, I had a great group of friends who were always able to take my mind off of things. I used to have fun. I miss that.

I have so many more great friends now than I had then. I have Merlisser, Captain Tesla, and countless other people from my time at UWF and the four years I spent in Savannah. I am grateful for these relationships in a way that I could not have even begun to comprehend when I was 19. These wonderful people are my saving grace and I am thankful every day to have the supreme privilege of knowing such fabulous people. I could go on, but I think my love-fest is a topic for another time. Suffice it to say that I am humbled and thankful for everyone whom I call a friend.

I still love most of the music I loved back then, but my tastes have really grown and become more refined. I have come to realize that content is more important than aesthetics. Thankfully, most of the bands I love have both in spades. MCR's last album though . . . I found that to be a colossal disappointment. Meanwhile, I love Depeche Mode more than I ever thought I might have a decade ago. Who'd've Thought?

I look very tired in this photo. I have been world weary for a long time now.

In August of 2005, I was depressed. I was trying to lose weight and not really making any progress. I slept too much and then not enough. I was certain that I was never going to get out of Crescent City and that I was never going to amount to anything other than what I was at that moment. 

But I don't remember having anxiety quite so bad as I have it now. I don't remember fear standing between me and what I wanted to do. But maybe it's always been there and I just wasn't self-aware enough to realize it. Seeing how I let my fear hold me back is not fun, but I hope that I am slowly overcoming it.

I don't think I am the same as I was in August of 2005, but I can't tell how much I've grown. In so many ways I am the same. But I like to think that I am better somehow. I am taking more time to nurture my friendships. I am writing more. I am not writing bad poetry anymore. I have a lot less stress than I had then. And I am sure that I have matured.

I never thought I would ever want to go back to Crescent City, though. Dorothy was right. There's no place like home. I'm the sort of fish that prefers a small pond, I now know.