Looking for Home

Today's VEDA question was "What are your top 5 places?" Being rather open ended, I chose to talk about the top 5 places I would like to live. What I realized about my list is that I want to live in places that feel like home.

This is why I didn't list NYC or DC. While I love both of these cities, they are the kinds of places you want to visit. The fact that I could go to the HirshHorne all day, every day, for free does not make DC feel like home. As for New York, people don't really make meaningful connections. They are focused on career advancement. Meaningful relationships are a luxury most people feel they can't afford.

This doesn't work for me. I am all about relationships. This fact alone is why I struggle as a military spouse. It seems that most of the other spouses I meet don't have nearly the problems I do making connections, but for whatever reason I find it incredibly difficult. Everything feels contrived and insincere.

I might as well live here . . .

I feel like I have to censor myself around everyone in this town. I have no issues with gay marriage and I think that maybe God is more interested in us treating one another with dignity, love, and respect than making sure that everyone believes the same things in the same way. These don't feel like popular positions to have, so I tend not to speak. It's hard to feel at home when you don’t feel safe to express yourself honestly.

But in the cities I listed, things are different. In Crescent City there are people who know me, love me, and accept me for the bleeding heart liberal that I am. I have a history with these people. We can skip past the "getting to know you" small talk and "just be". I long for people with whom I can "just be". In Pensacola, there's the UWF community. In South Carolina, I have family. In St. Augustine, there are people who knew me when I was young. In L.A. there are people who know and love me. (The weather is gorgeous too!)  And unlike the other cities on my list wouldn't be, L.A. is a hip and liberal town full of diverse and colorful people. It long before I branched out of my comfort zone and made friends all on my own.

This was a great day. I miss this.

These places feel like home. I don't have to prove myself. I can be my authentic self. I am part of something. I can find my place in the puzzle. I belong. I can just be.

But for now, I am stuck in purgatory. I have friends here, and they are very nice, truly supportive people. But it doesn't feel like home, and I am really homesick. I need to find a place where I belong.

What about you? Do you know where you belong? Is it a place or people or a feeling?  Where is home