Interesting things that have happened to me since last I wrote:
Have become obsessed with Klezmer music.
Submitted to Post Road, Thrice Fiction, and Sonder Review.
Went to a Jamberry party and bought some Jamberrys.
Worked on my new blog.
Spoke to several old friends.
That's right folks, I have a new blog. A professional, writerly type blog. It's launching tomorrow. I will keep you all posted on any developments therein. I'm kind of excited.
I'm also super excited about the fact that I finished VEDA. I did it. I finished. Now, I can relax and work on my revisions at leisurely pace and not have to worry about videos.
(Who am I kidding? I'm totally making more videos.)
While I wasn't as active with the other vloggers as I might have liked to have been, I am very proud that I have made it through the past 30 days. I've been a busy beaver after all.
This month I:
Revised and submitted 4 pieces of writing to the Southern Writers Symposium
Revised several more pieces of writing for publication
Made a video every day
Sometimes even editing the video!
Wrote in the blog every day
Finished my first piece of embroidery
Started cooking at home more
Created my professional blog site
So, yeah. I'm pretty proud. Not to mention a lot of personal changes and growth that I don't much want to talk about on here. So yes! I can get things done!
I had j^C's mom sew the embroidery onto a bag for a friend in order to stave off
my hoarder tendencies.
In other news, I am still in South Carolina and I am super tired. I don't sleep much anyway and last night I went to bed at 2 AM after a rousing evening with Shekkey drinking Sprite and walking around Clemson. Long story short: College kids make me feel old. Then I got up at 7 AM to work on revisions and submit some things. So, please enjoy my "blooper" blooper reel. I'm going to go take a nap.
I had to make today's video yesterday because I knew that I was going out of town this weekend and that I probably wouldn't have time to be bothered with it while I was away. At the time of filming, I wasn't finished with my embroidery project. Well, now I am!
I'm a little proud.
Hopefully, I will stick with this hobby and start making wall hangings for people with fun quotes in Latin and Old English. I also want to try to embroider this:
This was the insignia patch for my dad's unit in WWII.
Meanwhile, since I am on vacation I will leave you with the video and go find something to eat for breakfast.
Why did I do a body positivity video? Well, I've been feeling pretty body positive lately. I've realized that
my body is not out to get me. There are things about it that I will never be able to change and that's okay, because I'm still pretty damn awesome and I look hot. I'm not conceited. I'm just tired of apologizing for, being ashamed of, and blaming my body.
I will always have larger arms than the average woman. I will always have fat rolls in my under arms. I will never have a flat stomach. I will never get rid of my stretch marks. I will always have curves. These things are all okay.
My body is not the enemy.
I, on the other hand, could start treating my body a whole lot better, inside and out - emotionally and physically. I could start putting better things in it, using it more, and taking better care of the exterior. I could also feel confident about it, because that's integral to making all that stuff I just mentioned happen.
I have the ability to eventually run a 5K. I can do push ups. I can already lift more weight than I ever thought I could. I will one day be able to run up three flights of stairs to my house without getting winded. I am on the road to good health, and my body is the thing that is going to get me there. My mind is what stands in my way.
I'm trying to do all this - but I am human and I stumble. I had a fried sandwich and fries for lunch. I messed around and didn't go to the gym yesterday. At this moment, I am moving forward. I will do better. And I will still falter, but hopefully I will falter less as time goes on. This is not about aesthetics, this is about health. I want to feel good more than I want to look good.
I already look good.
I am beautiful.
And whoever you are, dear friends and gentle readers, you are beautiful too.
I am tired. I am weary. I could sleep for a thousand years.
Well, at least I feel like I could. Apparently, no matter what time I go to be or how tired I am I can only sleep for 4 hours at a go. Then, by the time I want to go back to sleep that Sprout is awake and the sleep is no longer and option. My sleep deprivation is but one of the wonderful things going on with me today - I also have heartburn! Apparently this is a side effect of the new medication I've been taking. I have been eating Pepto Tabs like they were Necco Wafers and I tried some wheatgrass this morning because I read it was good for digestion.
I was lied to.
Wheatgrass and Revisions. What a morning.
Also, I need a babysitter, ASAP. Army may or may not let j^C off work at a reasonable hour this evening and I need to go to the Open House at That Sprout's school. Fun fact: Sprouts are asked NOT to attend this event. Hence the need for a babysitter. Of which there are none to be found. Because I don't have a support network in this fabulous burg. Which brings me to my phoned in video:
I don't like it here. I have tried to like it. I was very positive about it when I got here. I don't hate it for the reasons everyone else hates it either, like crime and lack of things to do. The crime doesn't stress me out and there are plenty of things to do. I just feel very out of sorts, out of place, and out of touch here. This makes me not want to take advantage of what Fayetteville has to offer and leaves me bitter and unable to see anything good in it other than food, apparently.
I know that Crescent City is not the magical wonderland that I've mythologized it to be, but I can give you 5 much more enthusiastic answers about:
The Top 5 Things in Crescent City
The Orange Groves - There used to be these orange groves at the south end of town that used to capture my imagination. They are still there, but they aren't as lush as they used to be. Still, if I drive by them as the sun is setting, I am transported to somewhere else entirely. This place makes me breathless.
The Taquiera - There is a Taquiera in Crescent City that sells freshly made Agua Frescas. Sometimes they have Cantaloupe Aqua Fresca, which is the best. They also have real refried beans and all sort of authentic Mexican dishes for dirt cheap.
Lake Stella - Sister lake to the more well known Lake Crescent, Lake Stella is the first lake I ever went swimming in. There are these massive, gorgeous oak trees at one end of the bank with limbs that bend all the way down to the ground. They are dripping with Spanish Moss and they form an archway over the road that runs past the lake. The only weeping willow tree in town can also be found growing by these waters.
The Cemetary - It's pretty. It's peaceful. There's history. I don't want to talk about it. What I will talk about is the road that runs past the cemetery and back to the highway. It winds through the trees and the ferneries and as you are coming down a slight hill, you are far enough above the tree line below to see Lake Crescent. It's another one of those moments of the everyday sublime.
The Intermediate School - Parts of the building have been around since the first part of the last century and the architecture is truly stunning in places. It's a pity they decided to lower the ceilings. Many of the classrooms once had 10 foot ceilings with huge windows that looked out on to the lake, or the water tower next door. There is an auditorium with a decent sized stage. I used to want to buy the place and live in it as though it were a huge manor. I think I love it so much because I have so many memories there though.
What is the take away here? I like beautiful things. I like nature, even though I say I don't. I think where I come from is beautiful in its own way. And I would rather be there than here, even if I can't get great Pad Thai and homemade ice cream from a farm. What I could get is a glass of Cantaloupe Agua Fresca with some friends who knew me when we were all young. People make the top things matter.
Meanwhile, I don't have people in Fayetteville and it's very ugly. Like a Red Stripe Bottle, but without the fun inside. My enthusiasm for my new home has evaporated. I am left with nothing save disdain and contempt. There are some really great people here, don't get me wrong, but I need a partner in crime. A best buddy. And all the good people in the world can't make this place less ugly to look at. That would involve razing Bragg Boulevard and starting over from scratch.
Note: I have ceded to the machines and ceased editing my videos. For now.
For the second day in a row, I have been thwarted by the machines.
We are not amused.
This means that once again, my video is raw and unedited. I am thinking that I will start listening to the "short lived progressive metal" band, Damn the Machine until this audio issue is resolved. At least the camera seems to be cooperating today. Thank heaven for small favors.
Interesting concept for an album cover . . .
My video today was short, sweet, and to the point: If I could only watch one genre of film/tv for the rest of my life, I would only watch documentaries. What I didn't mention in the video is that I generally gravitate toward documentaries anyway. I'm not sure why, but if I am perusing Netflix I will more often than not decide to watch a documentary over a movie of any genre or a television show. I like learning. I grew up watching a lot of PBS. Why not just cut the fat and watch only documentaries?
Of course, if my ultimate goal was to read more, I should have said that I would only watch Kung Fu movies. I'm not a fan of Kung Fu movies at all so there would be an awful lot of time left for reading. Or writing. Or a million other things. Maybe I should resolve next year to only watch Kung Fu movies and see how much I can get done!
In writing news: I spent the day revising 2 pieces I plan to submit by Monday for publication. My eyeballs feel like they are going to grow legs and walk out of my skull, but I am making progress. Yay! Progress! I am at the point where they are either close to being submittable or I am a terrible writer and I should give it up and become a shoe salesman a la Al Bundy. I will let you know which it is at a later date. As it stands, I'm sick of looking at my words, but I am going to stick with it because I am Stanley Motss and I want the credit.
Of course, the machines could continue their plot of ruining my life and all this revision would wind up lost in cyberspace. Let's hope for my sake and that of my adoring public that I can make peace with them soon. I would hate to have to go Office Space on a laptop but if I'm pressed, I'll do it. Try me, laptop. Try me.
I can believe Lou Reed is watching over me if I want to, right?
I have nothing to say about the video topic today and everything to say about the fact that NOTHING WORKS! First, the camera froze up immediately after I made my first video. Then, when I tried to upload said video into Movie Maker, nothing I did could make my audio return.
"Okay, fine." I thought. "I'll just do the video with the web cam."
That worked out all fine and well and good until I tried to load the second video into Movie Maker. Again, the audio wasn't there. Just a lot of static. No bueno. So, in the interest of preserving what's left of my sanity and getting the video up before midnight, I give you an unedited piece of garbage. Kind of like yesterday, actually . . .
I know what's up though. The computer and the camera are in cahoots. They are feeling overworked and they are out to thwart my plans for VEDA success. They've got the Internet in on it too. Why does it only seem to run slowly when I'm trying to upload a video? Because they want me to quit VEDA, that's why.
Well, I ain't gonna do it.
This is the face of a woman who has realized that the singularity is upon us.
Meanwhile, in other news, I have been revising my brains out. I got up at 4 AM and I have been working on some piece or other more or less ever since. I took That Sprout to a play date today and I spent at least 2 hours on revisions while she played. I am at the point where I want to be done with this. I also want to submit things on Monday, so I must persevere until then.
At least I have a spirit guide. But I feel like I won't be sleeping anytime soon. It's kind of like being back in college! Speaking of which, the topic of MFAs has come up recently and higher learning could be in my future. So, it's not as though I'm doing all this revision for nothing. I am essentially creating my portfolio at the moment.
Also, I have begun working on a professional blog under my name. I plan to launch that brain child on September 1. It is my hope that by presenting a more professional side of myself to the world that I will be able to get some freelance work. I had a really neat idea earlier this evening: I could lead a Young Writers Project in Fayetteville during NaNoWriMo for free and maybe some of those kids would want to join a writing workshop after NaNoWriMo was over. It's worth looking into.
As for my NaNoWriMo, which is now looming on the horizon, I have no idea. I feel very inspired by the early 90s and The West Memphis Three lately, but I haven't got a conflict - just a setting and a tone. I don't even have any characters. None of this is important until after August 31, though. Providing the machines don't kill me first.
Today, I worked up the courage to finally apply the Jamberrys that I bought back in April. I had been avoiding the task because I was certain I would do it wrong and have thus wasted my $15. I think they turned out pretty good though, if I don't say so myself. The real test will be how long they last. If they make it a full 2 weeks, I will be buying a passel of them.
I need to do something about those cuticles. Christ and Moses!
Meanwhile, the video topic today was mostly uninspiring. If I were a bad person I could have had a lot of fun with it:
The best [cock] I [sucked] this year. The best [dude] I [nailed] this year. The best [orgasm] I [came] this year. The best [body] I [lusted after] this year.
I could go on, but I won't. You get the idea. This question was begging to be dirty. I kept it classy though, and talked about Broadway. Granted, the show does involve a lot of sexual innuendo, so maybe I didn't keep it all that classy after all. Seriously though, how could I go wrong with a play that has "Midnight Radio" as the finale? My only complaint about Hedwig is so petty and small, I almost don't want to mention it, but: Why didn't they put "Nailed" in the show? It's my favorite song from the soundtrack!
Seriously, why isn't "Nailed" in the show?
I need to go to more shows. I am excited that the new season for the local theater company will be starting soon and j^C and I have talked about getting season tickets. That would be fabulous. I am especially excited about seeing Arsenic and Old Lace and Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I am going to make it a point to sit next to some unassuming blue haired old lady. It might be more fun watching her than watching the show.
I have no idea who these other two are, but it was Warped Tour and everyone was friends for a day.
In August of 2005, I was a new employee at CCR in Palatka, working as a HIPPY Home Visitor. I didn't mention that in the video, and Oh Meus Deus, did I ever love that job! I worked with some really stellar people and I was doing work I believed in and that I was good at. In August 2005, I was going to college in St. Augustine and going to concerts with Shekkey. I miss that. I need more concerts in my life. Alice Cooper was almost a year ago. Too long. I need to make something happen on that front.
I used to really like wife-beaters.
In August 2005, despite being in debt to my soon to be ex-boyfriend for $1000, I had a job and my own money. I was going somewhere. I was on the way to being self-sufficient. At least, I thought I was. I felt like an adult. Despite the strife that life was often fraught with, and believe me, it was unending, I had a great group of friends who were always able to take my mind off of things. I used to have fun. I miss that.
I have so many more great friends now than I had then. I have Merlisser, Captain Tesla, and countless other people from my time at UWF and the four years I spent in Savannah. I am grateful for these relationships in a way that I could not have even begun to comprehend when I was 19. These wonderful people are my saving grace and I am thankful every day to have the supreme privilege of knowing such fabulous people. I could go on, but I think my love-fest is a topic for another time. Suffice it to say that I am humbled and thankful for everyone whom I call a friend.
I still love most of the music I loved back then, but my tastes have really grown and become more refined. I have come to realize that content is more important than aesthetics. Thankfully, most of the bands I love have both in spades. MCR's last album though . . . I found that to be a colossal disappointment. Meanwhile, I love Depeche Mode more than I ever thought I might have a decade ago. Who'd've Thought?
I look very tired in this photo. I have been world weary for a long time now.
In August of 2005, I was depressed. I was trying to lose weight and not really making any progress. I slept too much and then not enough. I was certain that I was never going to get out of Crescent City and that I was never going to amount to anything other than what I was at that moment.
But I don't remember having anxiety quite so bad as I have it now. I don't remember fear standing between me and what I wanted to do. But maybe it's always been there and I just wasn't self-aware enough to realize it. Seeing how I let my fear hold me back is not fun, but I hope that I am slowly overcoming it.
I don't think I am the same as I was in August of 2005, but I can't tell how much I've grown. In so many ways I am the same. But I like to think that I am better somehow. I am taking more time to nurture my friendships. I am writing more. I am not writing bad poetry anymore. I have a lot less stress than I had then. And I am sure that I have matured.
I never thought I would ever want to go back to Crescent City, though. Dorothy was right. There's no place like home. I'm the sort of fish that prefers a small pond, I now know.
Last night, for reasons hitherto unknown the internet was not working. It took hours for my VEDA video to upload. So, I'm posting a day late because the video didn't even upload to YouTube until after midnight. I was already asleep at that point and you have to be out of your mind if you think I'm going to wake up from a dead sleep to write a blog post. Cuz I'm not.
If this was me at 8:30, imagine how I felt when the video uploaded at 1:00 AM.
The topic for Day 21 was to just talk about something that matters to you. I tried to cop out. I was tired and I felt very vulnerable when I considered talking about a thing that really did matter to me, so I tried 5 times to make a video about something else. Anything else. Something easy. This was a colossal failure and on take 6 I realized that I had to talk about HIV/AIDS research.
A lot of research going on, and funding is a huge issue. There's never enough money for these sorts of things. There's never enough money for most kinds of research, but Kim Kardashian has about a jillion dollars. Because that's fair. If you have a few spare shekels, I hope you'll consider sending a few in the direction of a the AIDS Research Alliance.
Thankfully, research has brought about a preventative measure that is as effective as condoms and nearly as effective as abstinence. If you are in an at risk group, please look into Pre-Exposure Prophalaxis (AKA: PrEP). It's a serious game changer. Here's a link to Honey LaBronx talking about PrEP, which is how I learned about this drug in the first place.
HIV/AIDS research means a whole lot to me, but I find it very difficult to talk about these days. I'm sure you could tell as much from the video. It's one thing to be outspoken about the matter when the Elton John AIDS Foundation is as close to the problem as you've ever been. It's very different when you've watched someone die. I have this anxiety about saying the wrong thing, so I find it very difficult to say anything sometimes. Today I found my voice though, and hopefully that makes some difference to someone out there.
The main point of the video is this: The fight isn't over. Educate yourselves.
I never remember to take my camera with me when I go out to events and as such I never have any good pictures of me. Tonight was Fayetteville Divas and this picture was taken by Kalecia Dowell Simmons, one of our featured business owners. She sell ItWorks! and as soon as I have some money to spend you can bet I'll be buying some.
Dinner with the Divas.
I realized some important things tonight.
1) I really need to work on my personal brand. Not 100% sure what that entails, but it is a thing that I need to do.
2) I need to add a call to action to my elevator speech. If I want to work with creative writers, I need to say as much. The only people who are ever interested in purchasing my services are looking for formulaic and/or resume writing. I don't have any experience in those fields and as such, I don't feel qualified to help anyone in those areas. I need to say what kind of customer I am looking for.
As it is, this is my elevator spiel:
Hi! My name is Joyce Underwood and I am a freelance writer and editor. I blog at www.firstpersonnarrative.com and I have been published in Kairos and on www.offbeathome.com. Everyone has a story to tell, but some people need help finding their voice. I help my clients find their voices and tell their stories. To date I have edited three works slated for publication and taught writing workshops to over 60 published young authors. My services include close readings, content editing, writing workshops, and proofreading. Everyone has a story. What’s yours?
I could probably cut some of this and add a call to action.
Meanwhile, here's my video for today.
I really wish that I could have made a music video for "Playing With Uranium" but of course, I am lacking in resources for that sort of thing. I was thinking of a storyboard where there was a man and a woman working together on building a nuclear bomb, but they are also lovers. Their love affair is ill fated. Maybe one of them is married? I think it could be lovely. I also think that I might try my hand at making a music video in the sweet by and by. When I have more resources at my disposal.
I was lacking in resources for several of the things that I wanted to do. It's fine though. I got to talk about Duran Duran. My favorite! I might be a tad obsessed, but you know what? Duran Duran and their music make me very happy, so let's not knock it, huh? They are clever, they are smart, they make music. What's not to love? For more about my abiding love for my boys, please see:
Channeling the 90's. How could I not, what with the R.E.M. reference?
In my video today I discussed some words that I am quite fond of. I have to say, I really enjoyed making this video. I am thinking of continuing with this idea and making a series of videos dealing with vocabulary. Why? Because I am a "word nerd."
An observation I made after making today's video is this: I talk a lot about being lonely and feeling out of place. I feel like a broken record. Another recurring theme is time travel in order to fix my past. I am just a bundle of sunshine, aren't I?
As to the words that I talked about in my video, here are some more formal definitions since mine were totally off the cuff.
Mojo Jojo has informed me that "somnambulist" comes from the Latin for "sleep" and "to walk". I should have known that. I feel really dumb now.
Because I am feeling so terribly alone and isolated, of course I spent the most time on "unheimlichkeit", but I would like to say a few words about Freud's "unheimlich" or "uncanny." Unlike Heidegger, Freud's "unheimlich" had less to do with feeling lost and more to do with feeling creeped out. The word "unheimlich" translates to "unhomely" meaning the opposite of the home - something that is foreign. The home is where one is safe, and where things about one are kept safe and in some ways hidden. Freud's "unheimlich" is the feeling one gets when one sees that which should remain hidden.
This feeling often occurs when one encounters a person with a physical deformity - missing limbs and the like. You don't know how to react because you know something very private about this person simply by looking at them, and yet you don't know the details - the facts of the deformity remain hidden though the reality of the deformity is revealed. It gives the viewer a feeling of unease. We feel threatened and unsafe.
Freud's theory of the uncanny/unheimlich usually gets a lot more press than Heidegger's, but I think the latter is more applicable to the modern condition. That said, I really need to do something about my feeling of isolation, lest I become a psychological example of Freud's uncanny and start talking to myself in the street (another example of witnessing that which should remain hidden: mental illness.)
I think that my "Witness Protection/Pen Name" is probably pretty lame. This is par for the course. I am the worst at coming up with good names for my characters, why shouldn't I be terrible at coming up with a name for myself?
I think the reason I struggle so much with this aspect of creative writing is because I once read that an author should never waste a name. So, I slave over these names that are loaded with meaning, but they never really sound believable. I've discovered that this is one of the many reasons I prefer writing nonfiction, The names are already written for me. The story is finished. I just have to tell it in a meaningful way.
I'm not lazy, I'm just not as creative as everyone thinks I am.
Me, trying to think of character names.
Lately, I've been working to overcome my lame name affliction and my aversion to fiction. I am currently working on revising a story to submit to a contest. The original draft of the story had really great names that I felt comfortable with because they were based on real people. I don't want to get sued though, so in the process of revising I am also changing names.
The new names are not contrived. They are not pretentious. They are not sopping wet with meaning. The new names are believable and relatable. I don't love them, but I can live with them and that characters can live with them too.
As for me and my fake name, I am proud to say that I would rather put my real name on anything I publish. I don't need the pen name, so you probably won't be seeing it around anytime soon. Unless I publish something smutty . . .
Virginia Kirchner is less my pen name and more my alter ego. She's who I would like to be. The uber me. The me I am becoming. And she's not all that different from the me I already am.
Everthing is moving so fast. I can't seem to keep up.
I am at the point where I would beg, borrow, cheat, or steal to have more time.
More time to myself alone to do nothing.
More time to nap in a quiet house with no people and no animals to wake me.
More time to write, revise, and create unencumbered.
More time to organize my life.
More time to do the things I don't like to do, like clean.
More time to do the things I love to do.
More time to learn new things.
More time to do the things I should do.
More time to write letters and talk to friends.
More time to sip lattes and enjoy nothingness.
More time be myself instead of a wife and a mommy.
But most especially, more time to be a wife and a mommy without all those other things looming perpetually on the horizon. I want more time to enjoy my life as it is.
And I am so tired of being tired.
Which leads me to think that immortality wouldn't be the worst thing after all. Knowing that you had the rest of eternity to accomplish your personal goals takes off the pressure. You don't have that niggling in the back of your head that I have now - that voice whispering, "This is the only life you have. Use it wisely."
That's the thing that bothers me the most: The thought that I might be wasting my life. I idea that when I die, the sum of my efforts will amount to nothing. So I strive. I run myself ragged trying to do everything right. I am Faustian in my pursuits. Faust, you will remember, was a tragedy.
I don't know what the solution is. I don't know how to find peace. The Buddhists would tell me to let it go, any maybe they're right. Is learning to let go is the key to happiness?
My sleep may be suffering, but my selfies are on point.
I have less to say about my topic today and more to say about the production of my video. I have gotten sloppy. I believed I was getting good at making videos. Now, I've got a video with a random caption at the end. I have to do better about this.
As to the actual topic of the video, I might add that any day with Mojo Jojo is a treat.
Today the three of us went to Raleigh to visit our old friend UberSchteve. Now he's Dr. UberSchteve, a new reality I don't think he's comfortable with yet. He graduated Veterinary School in May. The four of us went to the North Carolina Museum of Art and had a great time. I was really impressed with how many well known and prestigious pieces they had. Two Kirchners! I was not expecting this and Kirchner is my favorite.
Ernst Ludwig Kirchner - "Young Shepherd with Flower"
The next time Mojo Jojo is in town, I must bring him there. j^C, That Sprout, and I had a really great time with UberSchteve at the museum, but I would love to spend a whole day there meandering with Mojo Jojo. Sans That Sprout. This is an addendum to the pampering day of my video. Really, I don't care who I go with so long as I don't have to yell "Don't run! Don't touch the art!" every 3.7 seconds.
That Sprout, appreciating the art.
I feel that I should note that we didn't take any pictures of the art in the museum because I am pretty sure that is a gauche thing to do. The photos of the Kirchners are from the museum's website.
Ernst Ludwig Kirchner - "Panama Dancers" - I really like this one.
I haven't got a whole lot more to say. I am so ridiculously tired.
Before I dive into my topic for today, I just want to say that my selfie game is STRONG today. I have been having entirely too much fun with the digital camera, and I have the pictures to prove it.
In related news: I am loving my hair lately.
Now, on to VEDA. Today was the half way point of the exercise wherein we discussed what we'd learned so far. After making the video, I realized that I hadn't even discussed the most important thing I have learned from doing VEDA:
I can get things done.
I think it's because I know that it doesn't have to be perfect and making the video only takes a minute or two. Once the filming is done, I feel obligated to get the thing up online. Editing has become a rote process and from conception to completion, a video takes less than an hour.
Selfie game? Fierce.
Also, I am really enjoying the whole process. I am reaching out, meeting some people, and I am expressing myself artistically. These are all good things. It doesn't hurt that j^C has been really supportive. The fact that he asks if I've done my video and will make time for me to get them done is so helpful.
I can't wait until NaNoWriMo this year. Maybe the work ethic and creativity will carry over and I'll actually finish a book in a month this year. That would be the best.
Meanwhile, here I am meandering about VEDA. Enjoy!
I wasn't exactly moved by today's VEDA Question: "Who is the first person you remember following on YouTube? Who got you into VEDA?" I think it's okay that I wasn't really turned on by this question though, I expended a lot of energy on yesterday's video. Today was kind of a relief.
This Dollar Tree Barbie wannabe is a great representation of how I feel today.
I didn't even bother answering the second half of the question in the video. This is because I don't have a solid answer. In 2012 I was trying to make this blog into a money making venture and I was trying to figure out how to do that by reading a lot of moderately successful blogs. Someone on one of these blogs was doing VEDA and I thought "Hey! That's a great idea!"
I don't even follow blogs anymore. I am the worst at social networking. It's all I can do to keep up with Facebook. I don't twitter. Well, I do, but that's only when talking to Nick Rhodes is involved.
I digress. The point is that I find it super hard to find the time to read and watch and comment on a lot of blogs/vlogs/videos on a regular basis. I've decided that this is okay. I'm doing the best I can at the moment. I'm of the mind at this time that the blog is not going to make me any money and that I am doing this because it's good for me and that's just fine.
I want to be rich and famous, but I also want to be sane.
Okay, given my origins, I was never sane.
Back to my YouTube history, I have always used the service as a replacement for MTV, only better and with no commercials. This is working out especially well as we approach the release the release of Duran Duran's newest album. I have been listening to their new single "Paper Gods" on repeat since Wednesday. :-)
Speaking of Duran Duran, it hit me a few minutes ago that Paper Gods may very well be their last album. They mentioned in an interview that the reason it took so long to record was because it had to do with "legacy." I hope this is not the case, but on the other hand, I can see where they would want to retire. If it happens, I will be sad, but I will carry on. It will be interesting to see what other projects the members pursue.
While listening to copious amounts of Duran Duran I have been working on revising some poetry to send in to that contest I mentioned. I am still in the process of revising the short story. Getting published, and getting some credit - these are the things that will bring the money and the fame and the shame of life.
The VEDA video way very hard to make today. I talked about something I did that I talk about very rarely, if ever. I did a very bad thing, and I regret it each and every day. I wish there were some way to set it right, but I don't know that there is. I can't undo it, and asking for forgiveness would be more for me than for them. I think the best I could do is confess my act and my regret at having committed it. I hope that I don't live to regret being honest about one of my biggest regrets. That would be the ultimate in irony.
Honestly, the video could have gone on for an hour or more if I had talked about more than one of the regrets that haunt me. Maybe I'll make a series when VEDA is over, but for now I will just give you one more.
Inaction.
I feel quite a bit like Hamlet in this regard. I tend to not act on things, or I won't act until it is too late. Is this a result of fear, anxiety, depression, or just laziness? I don't really know. I know that I have let friendships fall by the wayside because I was too much of a coward to make a simple phone call. I have generally been a lousy friend. I never applied to Rochester University, despite my nearly guaranteed admission. I don't say "thank you" as often as I should. I forget to make the important people in my life feel their worth. I take people, places, and things for granted. I don't speak up and speak out against injustice when I see or hear it as often as I should. I just let things happen. I let things go. I let things slide until it's too late to fix anything at all. I was going to go on about all of this and more in my video, but I feel that I erred on the side of good sense in this case. Still, these are the things I think about.
Currently, I am struggling to revise some short stories and poetry before the deadline for a contest. If I had just revised said pieces when they were first critiqued, I wouldn't be struggling now. But I didn't act. I never act. I need to act more.
Today in my VEDA video I talked briefly about my Top 5 Florida Foods. The question was rather vague, and I thought that by limiting it to Floridian foods I wouldn't ramble on. I'm really proud that my videos have been clocking in at about 02:30. I am learning brevity. I didn't suck my teeth today either. At least, I don't think I did . . .
The food isn't the only reason I love Florida. I've talked about my affinity for my home state several times this month. I talk about it because it's true, and I miss home. Even the things that sort of suck, like the heat and the "intermittent showers".
I don't care. Florida is "Crazy/Ugly/Beautiful" It's magical, and I don't mean the parts that are owned by The Mouse either. I mean the parts where the trees are the greenest green and the sky is the bluest blue. The parts where there are still filling stations owned by locals that sell random, touristy souvenirs. The parts where you might actually happen up an alligator.
The only gators in my life: Mister and Molly.
The parts where weird things happen.
Lou Reed said "there's a bit of magic in everything and then some loss to even things out." That's what it's like, being from Florida. You hear about "weird Florida stories" and you think that everyone in the state is an inbred, drug addled hick. Everywhere isn't like that, I promise. There are some really wonderful, beautiful people who still live in The Sunshine State, and I miss them.
I miss the heat. I miss the "intermittent showers". I miss living every day knowing that there was a possibility of seeing something interesting and wonderful. Some rogue alligator or errant Sandhill Crane would surely cross my path. Even a gopher turtle would thrill me at this point. Most thrilling of all is the knowledge that I could run into someone who knew me. That I could easily make a phone call and an hour or two later be sitting with an old friend sharing a cup of coffee.
It's hard to describe exactly what it is about Florida that I find so fascinating. Maybe it's just home.
Today's VEDA video answers the question: "If you could pick one fictional vehicle as your new means of transportation, what would it be?"
Of course I want a magical flying car. Presumably, it goes of it's own volition, and I could travel on the cheap. I love to travel and at the moment I am bereft that I have neither the ways nor means to hop a flight to the either NYC or Europe before the end of the year.
You see, Dear Friends and Gentle Readers, Duran Duran's new album drops on September 11 which means that they are currently doing a promotional tour. I just heard their newest single "Paper Gods" today, and I am frothing at the bit to see them again. But, I am poor and Duran Duran tickets, plus travel, plus the passport (because I don't have one) is absolutely out of my price range.
The magical car would solve most, if not all of these issues.
Firstly, I could wait until they are in NYC, thus negating the need for the passport. I could also drag Mojo Jojo along with me and thus exponentially increase the joy of the experience. Fun is more fun when having said fun with your favorite human.
As to the money issue, the flying car would allow me to finally embark on the life of crime I've always dreamed of. It's the perfect get-away car. I would be stalking the lawns of homeowners each night, digging up their Sago Palms in order to sell them back to the poor schmucks in the morning. Best. Crime. Ever.
Original Gangster.
Given that traditional employment doesn't seem to be in that cards for me, it's either crime or making something of my writing career. I am pleased to report that last night I was able to finish revising an essay that I submitted this morning to The Southern Writers Symposium. Sadly, I can't seem to find anything that I find worth to submit for the fiction or the poetry contest. Therefore, I have no shot at the $400 prize offered for each. Why is their no non-fiction contest, I ask you?
I am still really excited about the idea of reading my essay at the symposium though. It's not about hte money. It's about the credit. I am the literary Stanley Motss. Meanwhile, some money would help matters. Duran Duran related matters. It's interesting to note that the new single is about the hollowness of money and fame. And it is awesome. That said, I don't see them giving away any concert tickets, so I have no other choice than to bow to the Paper Gods.
Meanwhile, here's a little snippet of the essay I submitted. I feel very strongly about the piece, and I hope the judging committee feels the same way. I want the credit.
Excerpt from "Eleanor"
By the time the ambulance arrived, the yard was chaos. When
you call 911, you get cops, paramedics, first responders, and firefighters.
They all bring their own service vehicles. A rainbow of flashing lights
littered the scene as I watched. It was like a silent movie. A tableaux
projected onto the silver screen of the afternoon sky, her naked body the only
bit of black and white in this colorized presentation. Like Alla Nazimova in Salome
the stretcher was a liter
carrying her to her chariot, her jet black hair the only bit of darkness on her
pale grey body.
Today's VEDA question, "Would you rather be famous or be friends with someone famous?" was a lot of fun. Of course I would rather be famous! I had briefly considered making this blog all about my quest to acquire fame. I was not kidding when I said that I wanted to go on Jimmy Kimmel and hang out with other celebrities. Especially hang out with other celebrities!
Maybe I would rather be famous because I already act like I am friends with a celebrity (or several) and it seems like no one cares.
Look, Mr. DeMille. You can make with that close-up anytime now.
Yes. I have (semi-)famous friends.
There's a model.
A Ph.D. student in biomedical physics (I think?)
Several incredible writers some of whom are even published.
2 ballet dancers.
A presenter at Comic Con.
A leader in the BDSM community.
A champion for the disabled.
A victims advocate.
A Lutheran minister
2 Episcopalian priests.
More artists than I can shake a stick at.
A museum curator.
And one bonafide, IMDB certified, actual movie star.
I love to brag on my famous friends. I think they are all wonderful, talented, and generally fabulous people. But it has yet to get me on Jimmy Kimmel, and by Jove, I want to do the lip-sync battle. None of these wonderful people are making that happen for me. So, I gotta do it for myself.
Uncle Andy has some words of wisdom to lay on us.
Which, incidentally is why this post is short and sweet tonight. I have an essay to revise. I am submitting it to a writer's symposium and it's due by the 22nd. If I'm ever going to be as famous as Truman Capote, I have to start putting myself out there. Take chances and all that. So, until tomorrow Deae Friends and Gentle Readers, I bid you "good evening."
I value kindness a lot. Random, intentional, deliberate - let's just all be nice to one another. Let's treat others the way that we would like to be treated. You know, "The Golden Rule" and all that.
It surprised me that I had so much trouble answering today's VEDA Question:
Has someone ever been extra kind to you? What did they do and how did it help you? Have you ever been driven to do something extra kind for someone else? What motivated you to do that? What did you do?
I am a very fortunate girl. I have a dearth of incredibly kind, compassionate, generous, caring, and utterly beautiful people in my life. It was really hard to pinpoint one really, really extra kind person or act.
Then I began thinking about some of the teachers that I have had over the years. I must lead a charmed life because for every lousy teacher I had, I had a dozen stellar ones. I am so proud of the education I received from the Putnam County School District. Say what you want about the state of education in this country, but I know that I was given a well-rounded and complete education in public school. Maybe despite their status as "the poorest county in Florida", Putnam County is near the top in terms of education?
My first teacher.
I am often baffled by the things that people my age or older simply don't know. Here's an example:
I was in a critique group a little less than a year ago and one of the people being critiqued was writing a novel involving a con man posing as George Washington Carver's great grandson. In his opening, he mentioned that George Washington Carver invented over 100 different uses for the peanut.
The critique group got really hung up on this. They asked "Why would you say that?" I looked up and replied, "Because he did."
My Pre-K teacher was pretty awesome.
They had never heard of George Washington Carver and had no clue about his work with the peanut (or presumably the soybean for that matter).
They asked me: "How did you know that?" and all I could think was, How could you not? but maybe George Washington Carver is only taught in the South. I simply replied "I learned it in school."
Their eyes grew wide. "And you remember that?"
Well, yeah. You tend to remember things you learn.I would think that this incident were a one off were it not for the fact that this sort of scenario plays out in my life over and over. Seriously. All. The. Time.
At this point, I cannot help but think that I must have received an unparalleled education. This could not have happened without the hard work and dedication of the incredible teachers I had the privilege to learn from. Some of those teachers went above and beyond the call of duty.
Mrs. Stoneman put up with a lot from me.
In my video, I talked about Mr. Davis, my Humanities teacher, who unbeknownst to me submitted a scholarship application to a college for me as well as a preliminary enrollment application. I forgot to mention that he also submitted my name to the Congressional Young Leaders Conference for their National Young Leaders Conference in Washington D.C.
Because of Mr. Davis, I got to spend to weeks in D.C, meeting some of the best and brightest of my peerage from all over the country. I am still in contact with at least one person from that summer, and although I didn't end up pursuing Political Science in college, the experience was indispensable to who I have become. I am still very informed about politics process - so much so that I spent the month of March editing an Undergraduate Thesis on The Holy See, Sovereignty, Cardinals, and Dual Allegiance. I also contributed to the research of said paper, in a small way. This paper, written by my illustrious best friend, Mojo Jojo is, to my knowledge, in the process of finding a publisher.
A teacher advocated for me to be a safety patrol.
(I forgot my belt on picture day!)
I don't know if I ever thanked Mr. Davis for all he did for me, but I hope he knows how truly grateful I am for him believing in me. Especially since I feel I was rather hard on him. I was going through a lot at the time, and I can only assume that he could see that and he forgave me my transgressions because he could also see that I was worthy of the opportunities he so generously offered me.
Mr. Davis was not the only teacher to have gone above and beyond the call of duty for me. Not by a long shot. There were a handful of teachers in my life who could see that there was to me than a hungry mind and an enthusiastic nature. These were the teachers I formed a relationship with. The ones who knew things about me that my friends probably didn't even know. The ones who let me hang out in their classrooms after school and just vent.
Mr. McDaniels believed in me enough to nominate me for an award.
I'm sure there were afternoons when they just wanted to go home. Most of them lived in a different city, or even a different county. But instead, they let kvetch about my boyfriend. They listened to me go on about my petty (and sometimes, not so petty) teenage problems. They understood probably better than I did at the time that maybe I wasn't over my dad dying. That maybe I needed a positive male figure in my life. They didn't judge. They didn't offer advice. They just listened. They let me be.
Their time and attention was a gift that they were in no way obligated to give and I owe them all a debt of gratitude. Every one of my teachers were incredible, but to the handful that went above and beyond - thank you. You'll never know just how much it meant to me or how much it still means.
