Strange, the Things That Break You

I didn't realize that I wasn't okay until I was driving to pick up that Sprout yesterday and I started blubbering over the fact that one day each member of Duran Duran would die. Not any day soon, but you know, in the fullness of time, as we all do. Then, the logical progression was that I should go to their funerals - but I won't have the funds to do so, which made me cry harder. It was a mess - and a completely illogical reason to be broken up at 1 PM on a random Friday afternoon.

My favorite picture of my favorite line-up. Sorry Rog, not shelling out for your funeral.

I tend to be like that though. A million things could be piling up on top of me and I can take it all in stride, but if something happens that really only matters to me all bets are off. In this instance it was utterly ridiculous because as far as I know the boys are all in perfect health. They're looking a little ragged from the tour/press junket they've been on, but otherwise I think they're fine.

So what the hell is going on with me?

I have been toiling away at in earnest at this writing thing since August with very little return on my investment, which is to be expected, but I have begun to lose my momentum because my workspace has been invaded. j^C is off work indefinitely and as such he's home all the time. I can't seem to work with him around. It's like if I were at his work just hanging out all day. He wouldn't like that very much. I think it was really getting to me. I was getting up at 3 AM and looking at the computer for hours going "Derp-dee-derp-dee-derp-dee-derp! What am I supposed to be doin', George?"

Seriously. It was like my brain walked out of my head.

I told j^C how I was feeling and as such I am feeling a lot better, so hopefully I can get back on track with the writing, but I am still kind of frazzled about some other things on my plate too. I have been working on building my editing business and that's going great, but now I have to start on some of the tasks that scare me and I don't really know where to begin. I guess there's nothing to do but start, but the whole thing fills me with a great deal of anxiety. I don't know why. I guess I don't want to get it wrong, even though there is no wrong. It feels a little like school in a class I'm not really good in.

Then there's the fact that I am hating myself for being overweight. While I am still hovering at 240 pounds I must be doing something right because the doctor told my that my thyroid, cholesterol, and sugar tests all came back normal with no concerning markers. The only thing that's elevated is my blood pressure and it's even dropping with each visit. So, I'm not un-healthy. Just fat. I'd like to not be fat though. I'm working on that though. I walked 3 miles on Thursday morning and I did the leg workout from HELL on Wednesday night. I am still sore.

I bet you're wondering what my fool proof workout plan is, aren't you? Basically. I have put together a body weight workout that I can do in my apartment so there's no excuse not to have done it. Then, as long as I keep getting up at 4 AM I can fit in cardio and weight training before j^C ever goes to work. And I have a meal plan all worked out for the week. Now, if I stick to it is another thing . . .

I like to think that if j^C goes back to work everything will fall into place and work will get done, the house will get clean, and I will feel better, but somehow I doubt it. The fact that I was crying over Duran Duran's mortality points to my overall instability. I hope this is a result of some lack of self care on my part and not something worse. I started a new medicine on Monday, so maybe it's just the adjustment period. So far, I haven't noticed any changes from the meds - good or bad. Time will reveal all, I suppose. I just hope that my crying jag was a one off and that I'll be back on track in the coming week. I have too much to do to be sidelined.