Wedneday Reflections #16 - 3% Weight Loss, But at What Cost?

Jack Handey: I'm bringin' it back.

Who remembers Operation Healthy Initiative?

. . . ?

That many, huh?

Well, whether or not I've been writing about it, I've been on and off of the OHI bandwagon. Presently, I'm on it and in it to win it. I won't talk about weights or goals or anything since I've decided that sort of thing is detrimental. Instead, I will tell you about my successes.

As you know, last Wednesday I attended the Bariatric Surgery Information Session and came away with a new sense of purpose regarding my own efforts. Here we are, a week later and I still feel good about deciding against surgery. I've been taking the weight loss pills for a solid week as of today and I am down 7 pounds. That's a 3% weight loss. 3% might not sound like much, but I think it's pretty impressive for one week. I know that the weight loss will slow down after a while, but it feels really good to have that kickstart. I am proud to say that I've been tracking my food every day for the past week and I've been very mindful of calories and portion sizes. These are the kinds of changes that I need to be making so that I don't balloon back up to Jumbo Size after I meet my goals.

Today, I am taking a break from the pills to see if the habits are starting to stick. But that's not the only reason . . .
See, everything comes with a price. You gotta pay the piper and all that. With the magic weight loss pills the price has been blinding headaches and the feeling that I am on speed - which is essentially what they are. The way the magic pill works is that it causes your hypothalamus to release extra norepinephrine. That's not so bad, right? Wrong. Norepinephrine is the chemical that sends your body into fight-or-flight mode. Basically, they're little panic pills.

Pay what you owe or reap what you sow. Source.

For some people, that's okay. The pills give them energy and make them cease to care about food. All is well and right with the world. Then, there are people such as myself. People who already suffer from panic and anxiety issues. People who don't need anymore nervous energy. People who are high strung.  For us, the pill causes our little brains to go into overdrive. Our hearts pound. Our heads throb. Our muscles ache. We become tense, edgy, and unfocused. We jump out of our skins at any unexpected sound. We begin to consider bitch-slapping obnoxious strangers to be a viable option.

This is not healthy. This is not sustainable. Something has to give. The "energy boost" we were promised has come, but in a form that it not usable. I began to feel like I was recovering from my sinus issue yesterday. I thought "Hey, I oughtta hit the gym!". That delusion lasted as long as it took for me to get up from the chair, get dizzy, and sit back down. How the hell was I going to work out when STANDING caused me physical exertion. 

On the bright side,
I can look like an extra from The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari! Source.

Instead of exercise, I thought I might try to work on school - maybe write something for the blog - or for my writing group perhaps? That didn't happen either. My little lizard brain was too agitated to focus. My head hurt far too much. I wound up vacuuming the computer, then taking an Ibuprofen and laying down. There wasn't much else I could do.

There have been times when my body has gone into fight-or-flight due to natural causes. This is most often when I've done something I ought not to have, and I find myself in terror of being found out and consumed with shame. (This happened more than I care to remember in my adolescence . . .) During the odd times that this has occurred in my adult life, I've found myself thinking "Gee, wouldn't it be nice to bottle this feeling? I sure don't wanna eat right now." Boy, was I wrong. See, when something sends me into a panic for real, that feeling soon dissipates. The matter is eventually resolved. Fight-or-flight is not supposed to be a sustained state of being. It is not a way of life. Yet, that is what the little pills do to a person.

This is not for me.

Today I have not yet taken the pill. I did some research, and apparently some people have more success with an "on again/off again" regimen. I know that for the first 2 or 3 days, I felt good, and not hungry, but over the weekend I started to feel like hell on toast. So, I'm going to indulge my inner mad scientist (Captain Tesla, you knew there was a reason you loved me!). I'm going to start experimenting with the dosage until I find something that works for me. I cannot carry on as I had been. If I do, I might wind up in court on assault charges.

Alas, I will never be a speed freak. So much for my street cred.

In other news:

Thursday, I saw my psychiatrist. That was good. I pretty much love him. No changes to my meds, and I don't see him again for 3 months. After that, I spent the whole rainy day shopping with That Cunt in Savannah. Despite having zero dollars, I had a lot of fun. Hopefully we will do it again sometime soon. I also spoke to Captain Tesla which is always a good thing and I saw my therapist.

Friday, the only thing I remember doing is reading Julie Anne Rhodes' blog and crying. In the afternoon, I went to see a friend. This is good. I am still on top of my June goal (even though goals are the devil).

Saturday, j^C had to work. That Sprout and I stayed home for most of the day nursing our respective colds and celebrated Nick Rhodes' birthday with strawberries, dark chocolate, and Duran Duran. After nap time, That Sprout and I went to visit j^C at work. We fed some turtles and had Cold Stone. I am proud to say that I only had a couple of bites of j^C's. Progress! Also, insomnia. Yuck

Sunday, we all hung out at home. I felt headachey and tired so I didn't want to do much of anything. Meanwhile, j^C was tired from working all night. Most of the day involved dinosaurs of some kind or another. That afternoon, I cooked some Paleo-ish Italian Sauce for dinner.

Monday, was a bust, although I don't remember why. Oh yeah! The clothes thing! Also, I had my first meeting with my new non-fiction summer writing group. Although I was still feeling as though Athena was knocking on the inside of my skull, I had a good time. I think that this group will provide a great outlet for all of us, and it will give me the direction and motivation I need in my writing. Writing . . . yeah . . . I need to get on that.

Tuesday, was a total bust. Head pounding, panic filled, unproductive, bust. I did NOTHING. Literally. In the true meaning of the word, even. After we picked up That Sprout from school we all took a trip to the local Wal-Mart to buy her some water shoes and "candy" for school today. That was a lot more trouble than it should have been, and I was so frazzled that spending times with the unwashed masses was not what I needed. There were several (SEVERAL!) times when I wanted to either cuss someone out or physically accost them because of their rudeness or their general presence. Seriously, must you scream to be heard when you are walking in a small group? Must you wear a fake handlebar mustache? Must you leave your child in a cart that is blocking the aisle and then spirit yourself away so that neither your child nor anyone else of import might know where you are? These are the things that trouble me.

Today! has not yet begun for me. I hope to make it to the gym for a swim. I hope to get some work done on my classes and my writing. I hope to win a million dollars. Let's see how all that works out, shall we?