The "Effit" Manefesto

Note: Here we have another post that I've salvaged from the drafts folder - completed, edited, and published for your reading pleasure. The first draft was written on February 8, 2013. I am noticing a trend.

So, it's no secret to those of you who know me in real life that I have notoriously low self-esteem. I am self deprecating  paranoid, and constantly apologizing for any and everything under the sun. "I'm sorry" is a constant refrain that mantra like escapes me with almost every breath. I don't even know what I'm sorry for half the time, but I am overly apologetic just the same because GOD FORBID SOMEONE SHOULD BE ANGRY WITH ME.

I think I might even apologize to doors. Source.

I am pretty much certain that there are people out there who judge me and find me lacking in any number of roles or situations that I find myself in on a weekly basis. The most prevalent of my fears at this time stem from my feelings of inadequacy as a mother, but there's also the fear that I am seen as incompetent in my work and in my social life as well. Somewhere along the way, despite my mostly easy way with people, I became convinced that I belonged on the island of misfit toys and that feeling has plagued me ever since. At the best of times it's just a niggling sense in the back of my mind that I'm doing things wrong; at the worst I am a ball of nerves perpetuating my own fears. It sucks. I don't like it. 

You know what I like even less? Being called out on it - which is what happened to me this week. It was probably a good thing because between that entirely humiliating experience and the conversation I had with my therapist yesterday, I've decided to say "Effit". If you know me in real life, you know what I really mean, and you know that I'm kind of stealing from Dana Carvey's stand-up. You also know that I would love to type out those two little words, connected by a hyphen, but as I hope to find gainful employment as an educator of this nation's children in the near future, I thought it would be advantageous to begin curbing the excessive use of profanity that I am so fond of. This is an example of logical paranoia. Take note, they are few and far between.

Anyway - yes - I decided to say "Effit" to all this worrying, fussing, fretting, and just let it go. I've been listening to a lot of rap music lately and I'm trying to adopt the confident swagger of the upwardly mobile young woman that I know I am. I don't even know where the hell all this shame comes from, but, you know, "Effit". Life is too short and it is just way to tiring to feel like a failure ALL THE TIME.

To quote Stuart Smalley: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!". I know this to be true, but for some reason I have a really hard time believing it. This is probably because my perverse little lizard brain thinks that EVERYONE must like me. That's just kind of impossible. It makes for misery. No more. Effit.

You know, I would totally carry around a stuffed toy if I thought I could get away with it.  That Sprout wouldn't have it though. Source.

There's also the thing about wanting to fit in. See, while I've had perhaps more than my fair share of close friendships thus far in this life, I've never really  been a part of a group. I'm great with people one on one, but when you start adding people to the situation, it all goes to hell for me. I was never a part of a clique, gang, or posse, and for whatever reason, that had made me feel somewhat incomplete. And it gets really old being the smartest, most well rounded person in a social situation. On the one hand, I know a little bit about most everything which makes me a great conversationalist. But there's always that awkward moment, or two, or seven, when I've gotten really enthusiastic about something and suddenly everyone is lost in the conversation. There are  many confused stares when this happens and I feel like I've made a mistake.

Eff that.

It's not my fault or problem that I know a lot of things about a lot of things and it's not my problem that as a generation we are almost incapable of meaningful social interactions. I never seem to have these issues in social situations when I am the youngest person by a decade or so. It's not me.

So Effit.