Wednesday Reflections #11 - Carrot Juice and Coney Island Baby

That Sprout decided that she needed a "Mommy Day" today, and as such my heart's not really into writing this at the moment. I'm going to keep it brief and hit the highlights.

I decided some time last week that I wanted to apply to Syracuse's MFA program in Creative Writing. 

Since then I've been rummaging through all the writing I've done for the past 15 years or in order to find some pieces to work on for a portfolio. Hoo boy . . . was this endeavor ever eye opening. 

The good? I am far more prolific than I ever gave myself credit for. There is just SO. MUCH. STUFF. Poems, short stories, rants and raves, scripts, chapters, unfinished outlines, and little scraps of paper with an idea or two that I never came back to. While daunting, this is also a really great thing because it gives me a lot to work with.

Now, for the not so good: I have never written better structured stories than I did when I was in the seventh grade. Don't get me wrong, the content was absolute schlock, but the way it was written was fucking incredible. I am still in awe of my 12 year old self. And the dialogue - oh, such dialogue!  I have never written better paced dialogue since. It's kind of sickening, but at least now I have proof that I do know how to do it right which gives me something to work toward.

The other not so good? I literally do not throw anything away. I was not joking about the scraps of paper thing. There was a file folder with nothing but remnants  I have at this time found 6 copies of the same essay I wrote for Dr. Tomso in college and I don't know why I kept them all. I found a notebook full of blog ideas and sandwich recipes. I found letters from several ex-boyfriends going back as far as 1998. About the letters - I have letters that were passed in class as far back as 1997. I have essays and class projects. I have art and busy work. And all of it in loose leaf, which is very hard to maintain. I really am a hoarder - but a special kind: I hoard information. I collect ephemera. It's a problem, but it's one I don't care to solve. One day I might find one piece of paper of some use, so I dare not throw it away. 

Such is the case today. (Today as in 2013, not today as in Wednesday, May 1, 2013, since today I am lounging in my jammies drinking carrot juice and playing with That Sprout - just to be clear.) In my sorting I came across a composition book from 2004. It was full of all sorts of random things from my first semester at SJRCC, notes, poem fragments, doodles, you know - normal notebook stuff. I was almost ready to move on to some other tome when I came upon inspirational gold. Written on a page all by itself was the following: 

On another note; Behold! A legit photograph!

I have been "analyzing the text" (yuk!yuk!yuk!yuk!) , trying to get to the bottom of what it really says about the speaker and "you". I'm taking a very English Majorly approach to this and I'm hoping to get something the caliber of "Prufrock" or "Coney Island Baby" out of it, and I'm thanking my lucky stars that I kept this little note-to-self, as if nothing else, it gives some context to my demons. 

That was all very unclear, and I'm sorry. Feel free to ask questions in the comments.

In other news, the anxiety seems to have run it's course for now and I am so glad. I was really getting to the point where I couldn't stand myself. I've been doing some research and I've found that chamomile tea is something I should drink more of. Not only is it good for anxiety, it's good for your liver too. A win-win, yes? Xanax is just scary and all the other herbal remedies are no good for your liver, so hopefully I'll see some results from the tea. I've been working on eating better which is helping. Now if only I could make the gym happen . . .

That's all the updates I have for now - writing, trying to remain calm, and working on my Teacher Ready classes. Yeah - those. Those things I've been neglecting. Really must get to work on that, of course, the last thing I want to do when I'm all anxiety ridden is school work. It's just not a good idea. Everything comes out all angsty. Perhaps tomorrow will see me plow through a whole lot of the backlog. That would be good. I'll let you know next Wednesday, along with another update that I want to share with you all, but I'm waiting until I know more. Intrigue!

For now, I leave you with this photo - a tome from the annals.

I used to be so much more creative . . . and I used to go
to shows. That needs to start happening again.