Wednesday Reflections #13 - Nonlinear-ness, Nazis, and Other Strangeness

As is often the case when I light behind the keyboard and begin tapping out my Wednesday Reflections, I have found that I can't remember much of anything that has gone on before Monday of this week. Instead of recounting the important things in a linear fashion going forward, we'll start with today and move backward.

It'll be nonlinear, but in the way Memento is,
not in the way all these others are. Source.

As it is only 10 AM as I write this, there's not a whole lot to say about today. The only remarkable thing is that I am overwhelmed with a sense of calm. I find this suspect as it's a state I have not been in for a great many years, but I'm trying to not over think it. It's nice to not find myself panicking about the fact that it's Wednesday which means there's only 3 more days til the weekend and however am I going to get everything done. I have been saying for longer than I can remember that I wanted to get back to "the way I was". It's a state of being that's nothing more than a feeling and utterly impossible adequately describe. All I know is that lately, I feel that I have been "the way I was". It's a really wonderful feeling, and I hope that with the continued use of correct medicine, herbal teas, and "The Secret" (however hokey it may be), that I will find myself more often in this state of being than not. After I finish writing this, I plan to chip away at some of the school work I've neglected. Maybe do some housework. Maybe exercise. I don't know. What I do know is that I don't feel the paralyzing pressure to perform and that's pretty much the best feeling ever.

Yesterday found me in a strange frame of mind. I have been playing catch-up with my Teacher Ready courses for about a week now, and one of my assignments was to write about the film Fight Club. Although I completed that assignment Monday night, I still had a window open with an essay about the film. Before I knew it, I was down an internet rabbit hole about film that led to Paulo Pasolini and then David Cronenberg which led to his film A Dangerous Method, which led to the Wikipedia entries on Freud, Jung, and Sabina Spielrein, which led to more Wikipedia entries on the psychological discoveries they made (namely, Transference , which eventually let to another rabbit hole about Nazis, since Frau Spielrein and her children were murdered in the Holocaust.

Sabina Spielrein Source.

I was at this for like, 4 hours. This might be a sign of my ADD tendencies  but I argue that it's my Faustian hunger to know everything. I would do well to remember that Faust was a tragedy, but I digress. At any rate, I feel that my tumbling through all this information had a more or less positive effect on me as it got me thinking about psychology and morality. I was particularly interested in Spielrein's thesis that:

suggests that truly heroic, original creations can only emerge from the crucible of great conflict, such as the attraction of opposites and the breaking of taboos, and thus the instinct for creation is inextricably tied to a drive to destruction, and that these feelings and ideas are not restricted to sexual expression despite their roots in the biological drive to reproduce. (Wikipedia: A Dangerous Method)

I am left to wonder if my literary matriarch, Anais Nin was hip to Spielrein's work. I have to say, I really like this thesis and I hope to use it some some scholarly writing in the future.

Anais Nin. Source.

Meanwhile, the Nazi research I did left me with all sorts of mixed feelings. Certainly what the Nazis did during their time in power was unequivocally bad. I am left to wonder how there are people walking this earth today - people I have know - people I have loved - who have embraced some of the Nazis more outrageous beliefs regarding race, the right to life, and eugenics. Thankfully, I have severed myself from such persons as I believe above all else that everyone has a right to live and die with dignity. All the more horrifying in relation to the topic of eugenics and the insane lengths to which it prospered is the fact that much of their ideas on the subject and their funding for their efforts came from AMERICA. And yet somehow that was just glossed over in World History 101.

And somehow, everyone was OK with this? Source.

Bearing this in mind, how dare we as a nation, assume the position of moral self-righteous condescension on a global scale? How dare we sit back and act like the bullied child of the earth, "what never done nobody wrong, an' why're you always pickin' on me?" We were the first nation to create and enforce mandatory sterilization laws. As recently as the past decade I have known people who believe that some people simply should not be allowed to live because of their physical or mental infirmities. Ironic, since the person to whom I refer would have been a likely candidate for the gas chamber at the time based on their own physiological short comings. Sieg heil.

Long story short: There was no T&A Tuesday yesterday because I was up to my eyeballs in evil and while I must admit that the SS uniform was very flattering, I cannot justify extolling the virtues of Nazi fashion, as those snappy uniforms are stained with the blood of 6 million men, women, and children. As far as my place in the annals as history as an American, all I can do is continue doing the right thing in spite of my flawed lineage. Free will trumps heredity every time in matters of ethics.

So maybe the UN Peacekeeping Uniforms aren't so snappy,
but you gotta love a room full of peacekeeping Sikhs. Peace is sexy. Source.

Such was the case last night. That Sprout, j^C and I were on our way to get some ice cream after dinner when was came upon a small dog that had just been hit by a car flailing in the road. j^C told me not to stop, but I could see that the creature was still alive. It was a small dog and I was sure that it was someone's pet, so I pulled over and picked it up out of the road. She was still alive, but unable to move. j^C came and sat with her as I attracted the attention of a woman standing her yard. It was not her dog, but the neighbor's, so she went to get them and I went back to sit with the dog. By this time, she was retching and struggling to breathe. I petted her gently and spoke soft words to her. She looked peaceful, although she was retching and struggling to breathe. Finally, her owners hopped over the fence and retrieved her. They thanked me for letting them know and for pulling her out of the road, and while I appreciate their gratitude, I would have done the same thing regardless. It's the right thing to do, and I hope that if Molly Gator or Cody were ever in a similar situation, someone would do the same. I am sure that the little dog passed away as I was petting her  because when her owners picked her up she was limp. I am just glad that she didn't die scared and alone.

Other than being full of strangeness and calm, yesterday was very pretty. It's been unseasonably cool all week. As we were driving home last night, I saw a boy and a girl on a 4-wheeler riding off into the woods. It gave me an idea for a short story. "As they raced through the crisp afternoon, red, orange, and yellow surrounded them, bursts of color exploding like something that explodes." It's a work in progress. Also, "servile penis" and "skin to skin, chest to chest" came to mind. I guess I know what I'll be working on later.

"Bursts of color exploding like dreams deferred" has a nice ring,
don't you think? Source.

Monday was full of Teacher Ready work. (I just remembered). I also woke up with a sore throat which is only just beginning to resolve. I interviewed a first year teacher and tried to not freak out too much over the poverty/race connection that's being made in my course this lesson. I am over a month behind right now, and while this is not good, I'm strangely okay with the situation. I am doing to best I can as the subject matter is hitting me very close to home. I am appalled that poverty is a subject to be taught and that the "strategies" for dealing with it read to me like "how to be a decent member of the human race". It's been very stressful. j^C said that I should tell the school "I grew up poor, may I please be excused?". I think that a lot of the anxiety I was dealing with over the past month was triggered by beginning this lesson. I'm trying to remain detached, but my blue collar liberal "Rain on the Scarecrow" type sensibilities are getting the best of me. On the bright side it's not so much "baby time frolics" as the word "pedagogy" has finally arrived in the course material. And the people say "Amen".

Because I was already waxing philosophical about class, race, poverty, and American Culture, Monday night saw j^C and I watch one episode of Toddlers and Tiaras. I wanted him to see the Honey Boo-Boo people. I also like watching him watch Toddlers and Tiaras. He's like someone watching a car wreck - he doesn't want to look, but he kind of can't help it. We came away from the episode having decided that Honey Boo-Boo's family wasn't awful. They were very supportive of her, and even though she didn't win a great big crown, they were proud and she was proud of herself. I will say this: Her self-confidence is incredible and I hope that in this world of shallow materialism she stays true to herself as she grows. While I would not live my life the way they do, (I HATE EXTREME COUPONING!!!) I love how comfortable they all seem to be with themselves. The mom's generally cheerful attitude reminds me so much of my sister, so while I question some of her nutritional choices (melted butter + ketchup = "sketti", Mountain Dew + Red Bull = "Go-Go Juice", "Go-Go Juice" + "skettie" = childhood diabetes) I think we could be friends. I like her a lot more than the mommies I generally run into, that's for sure and I love the fact that there are blue collar families on television.

What I don't like though, is the exploitative nature of these shows. I realize that TLC has as much learning going on as MTV has music these days but doesn't anyone else find the never ending barrage of lifestyle shows a little opportunistic and mean spirited? It makes me really sad to think that people are watching Honey Boo-Boo and making fun of the way these people live. That's reality for so many people in the South, and while there is something wrong with it, it's not what everyone thinks. The lifestyle is a symptom of the greater problem: the severely skewed socioeconomic class structure as it currently exists in our country and the present culture of entitlement that we have all become sold on. That's probably a topic for another time, but suffice it to say that some engaging conversation with j^C transpired.

Then again, maybe people aren't laughing as much as I fear. Source.

Also, Tyler Durden wanted to blow up the credit offices because Jack bankrupted himself on Ikea furniture and DKNY shoes. Just a thought.

Busted. Source.

Sunday, I cooked enough food to last us the rest of the week.

Saturday, j^C played video games while That Sprout and I played together.

Friday . . . j^C played video games and I tried to go to a working interview at That Sprout's daycare. I thought I was going to have a job soon. Then the director quit and I was told that they aren't hiring anyone right now. While I would have liked to have had the extra scratch, I'm okay with the situation. I liked the old director and I really would not want to walk into a chaotic situation once the new director arrives. I also set up my new computer in the back bedroom. Once I get a new power strip and some speakers, I'll be cookin' with Crisco.

Thursday, I went to therapy. I also got my background check for the job that I am now no longer being considered for . . . but! There was a silver lining! Allie Brosh updated Hyperbole and a Half for the first time since October of 2011. I am so happy that she did. Go click on that link, because it's pretty much my life. Minus the corn. I know how much depression sucks, and I am so glad that she's been working on health and that she's posted in her blog. I hope she continues to feel better and that she knows how much people love her. Allie Brosh is awesome and if you don't think so, go eat a brick.

This is Allie Brosh. I think she's great. So do a lot of other people. Source.

Wow. This sure turned out to be a long post. I had a busy week. On the whole, I feel good. I am not feeling anxious or depressed. I am feeling a fair amount of Saudade but that's just integral that which comprises Uranium J. I have loved many people for many different reasons and sometimes I miss them terribly. They are never coming back, and even if they could they would be zombies things would never be the same. At least I feel that I'm getting back to good, and I guess good is always going to be a little bit strange, a little bit melancholy. Strange and melancholy are far more manageable than what I've been feeling though, so I'll take what I can get and be grateful.

I made this'n m'self.