Better Living Through Chemistry

Tomorrow morning will mark two years that Lou Reed has been gone. And I forgot to buy a yahrzeit candle. It's not like they're ubiquitous here anyway, but still. I forgot. I'm a little irritated with myself about this. But, I've said a prayer over a tea light candle and it will have to do.

Tea light cum yahrzeit candle.

The past week has been trying to say the least. I have been getting used to another new medication and one of the side effects is anxiety. They aren't kidding about this side effect. It's killer. I have wanted to crawl out of my skin. I am going to be talking to my doctor about this tomorrow because I don't know how much more of it I can take. 

Meanwhile I had my speaking engagement at the Southern Writers Symposium over the weekend and I'm sure that I looked socially inept as a result of the anxiety that I was struggling to control at the time. I don't think I got as much out of the experience as I could have, that's for sure. Still, I had a decent time and people responded well to the essay I read, so that's good. I really liked the woman who seemed to be running the show and I wish I could have spoken to her more, but she seemed to be spread a little thin. 

Zombies shouldn't smile.

That Sprout's birthday party and the local Zombie Walk were also this weekend, so as you can imagine I was exhausted from battling the anxiety and being "on" all weekend. j^C's parents were here to help with That Sprout while I was at the Symposium and that was quite helpful, but somehow I still felt like I was going to simply crawl out of my skin most of the time. 

Much better . . . 

It wasn't as bad as it had been during the week though. I spent Wednesday entirely in bed. I just couldn't deal with anything on that day. I've begun to wonder if the positive effects of the medication are worth these side effects.

I also wonder if I have it in me to actually succeed at all the things I think I want to do. I was looking at MFA programs this morning and I wonder if I can hack it. I wonder if I really can run an editing business. Can I get my work published? I got another rejection notice today which did not help my self esteem much. I am generally feeling pretty lousy about myself because I feel like I'm having a hard time.

But I know I have to try. I can't give up. There's no point to living if you're not striving to make yourself better and trying to fulfill your dreams, right? And I want something better for myself than this life. So, I carry on with the struggle.