What Dreams May Come May Scare the Hell Out of You

I just woke up from the most un-nerving dream I've had in quite some time. j^C, That Sprout, and I were driving around either Ft. Stewart or Ft. Bragg - it's hard to say which, but I feel like it was Ft. Stewart, and we came to the end of this road that was under construction. We were trying to turn around and figure out how to get to where we were trying to go which was on the other side of the construction.

It was dark and as we were backing up to turn around, j^C backed the car into a cavernous hole. The car kept falling back and back and back and j^C started saying "I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die." As the car fell, it was completely vertical. I was trying to lift my head up from the back of the seat to brace my neck with my hand for impact. We fell for what seemed like minutes. We never did hit and then I woke up.

We basically backed into this. Source.

I think it's rather obvious that this is reflective of how I am feeling about my life right now. I don't usually have such obvious and easily interpreted dreams, so it's nice when my subconscious throws me a softball. I am not in the driver's seat of my life. I have no control over what happens with the Army thing. Et cetera, et cetera. The best thing I can do is to try and brace myself, but I don't think that's going to help matters at the moment of impact. I have a feeling that j^C will not be exiting the Army as we all hope. Still, I am lighting my candles, hoping and praying.

***

In other news, I've been reading a lot of my old LiveJournal lately and there was a point in 2008 when I was really unpleasant and insufferable and I don't know how any of you tolerated me. I mean, I was really just a horrible person. I am so sorry. I owe everyone who had to deal with me during that time a huge apology.

Especially Merlisser.

She is a better person than I ever let her know that I think she is and I am so blessed that she has been my friend even when I haven't been deserving of having her be my friend. That was a mouthful, but I think you know what I mean. Merlisser is an awesome, kind, caring, generous, loving, beautiful, wonderful woman and I am humbled by her friendship, especially in light of my own asshattery. Thank you for being my friend Merlisser!

Relay for Life 2008 - Back when I was being and asshole.

Speaking of LiveJournal, I am considering trying to get all of the old entries off there and printing them out at once in order to read them and to better facilitate the writing on non-fiction. The problem with LJ is that it doesn't really enable on to easily look back over the years, you know? Kind of annoying.

I am noticing a theme . . .

Another annoying thing I've realized from reading these entries is how I've not changed a whole lot when it comes to diet and exercise. It's the same struggle that I was having in 2005. That was 10 years ago. How sad is that. I thought I would have been further along by now. Alas. Change is slow, I suppose. But I'm getting better. I don't care so much what people think of me. I am going to go to the gym this morning even. Now it's just a struggle to not want to:

The struggle is real.

I am thinking of asking the doctor to up the dose of the Topramax to see if that will better facilitate the weight loss. So far it's coming off very slowly, if at all. I would love to see 229 on the scale. (Who am I kidding? I would LOVE to see 199 on the scale, but that is a long way off yet. I would also be so stoked to see 170 that I might just be content to hang there forever.)

Meanwhile, enough of this negativity! Today is Halloween and I am going to enjoy the day! I am going to have fun with That Sprout. Then tomorrow I am going get up early to work out, begin NaNoWriMo, go to Mass and then out to breakfast. Afterward, j^C and I are going to see Crimson Peak and life is going to be fine and good. :-)

Dr. Uranium's Descent Into Madness

Walk On

I talked to the doctor about the anxiety and his suggestion was to walk more. This is his cure all for everything I tell him about it would seem.

Depressed? Walk more.
Anxious? Walk more.
Cancer? Walk more.
Brain tumors? Walk more.
Broken foot? Walk more.

So, I guess I'm going to walk more. The idea is that I am going to use the anxiety to my advantage and make it my friend. I am more than a little skeptical about this approach, but hey, maybe it'll work.

Otherwise, yesterday wasn't so bad. I don't feel like I got much done. I spent the afternoon playing in the rain with That Sprout. Her best friend is moving next week so I'm trying to let them spend as much time together as possible before the inevitable occurs. That Sprout is going to be heartbroken, I just know it. I am not looking forward to that day at all.

I spent the morning on the phone with a friend of mine who may be getting evicted from his house. He's pretty stressed about the situation and I feel pretty rotten because I don't think there's anything I can do to help him. I'm going to write some emails and make some phone calls and see what I can find out. I know that this came up with Eleanor's property when I was a kid and nothing ever came of it, so maybe it will all be fine. The property is certainly not unlivable, it's just not up to code. In a way, it's a nice thing for me to have a project with a purpose. I'm sick in that way, I guess.

I've been thinking that I really need to get over to Wilmington to see Mel (AKA That Cunt). Money being as tight as it is, I don't know when that will happen, but I'd love to make it happen soon. I am happy to report that it seems as though I will be able to stay here until That Sprout is out of school so long as I don't take any "vacations" to Florida next year. I am a little resentful of that because I don't consider my trips to Florida vacations, but whatever. If I had a job it would be so much easier to justify the trips and so much harder to make them.

I'm still working on getting the editing business off the ground. The anxiety has been a major setback, but I feel like I am ready to get back on track with things. I still wish there were more money to invest in starting the business, but maybe that's where the MFA comes in, right? And in other news, I've begun putting together a chapbook of 18-23 pages of poetry for a contest. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Hopefully, I'll win!

While I was trying to get my friend's mind off of his troubles yesterday we started talking about Southern identity and how I don't much have one. That makes me a little sad - I wish I had more of a Southern identity to work with. Friend says it's because I'm too high minded. I don't know about that. I think I just have a New York State of Mind. I don't know . . . Maybe I do have a Southern identity and I just don't realize it. I definitely have a Florida identity. I ought to explore this some in my writing. Speaking of which, NaNoWriMo is coming up and I haven't committed yet. If I do, my novel will be a modern adaptation of Beowulf. Evocative, no? I think, yes. I have a dragon to slay.

Source

Better Living Through Chemistry

Tomorrow morning will mark two years that Lou Reed has been gone. And I forgot to buy a yahrzeit candle. It's not like they're ubiquitous here anyway, but still. I forgot. I'm a little irritated with myself about this. But, I've said a prayer over a tea light candle and it will have to do.

Tea light cum yahrzeit candle.

The past week has been trying to say the least. I have been getting used to another new medication and one of the side effects is anxiety. They aren't kidding about this side effect. It's killer. I have wanted to crawl out of my skin. I am going to be talking to my doctor about this tomorrow because I don't know how much more of it I can take. 

Meanwhile I had my speaking engagement at the Southern Writers Symposium over the weekend and I'm sure that I looked socially inept as a result of the anxiety that I was struggling to control at the time. I don't think I got as much out of the experience as I could have, that's for sure. Still, I had a decent time and people responded well to the essay I read, so that's good. I really liked the woman who seemed to be running the show and I wish I could have spoken to her more, but she seemed to be spread a little thin. 

Zombies shouldn't smile.

That Sprout's birthday party and the local Zombie Walk were also this weekend, so as you can imagine I was exhausted from battling the anxiety and being "on" all weekend. j^C's parents were here to help with That Sprout while I was at the Symposium and that was quite helpful, but somehow I still felt like I was going to simply crawl out of my skin most of the time. 

Much better . . . 

It wasn't as bad as it had been during the week though. I spent Wednesday entirely in bed. I just couldn't deal with anything on that day. I've begun to wonder if the positive effects of the medication are worth these side effects.

I also wonder if I have it in me to actually succeed at all the things I think I want to do. I was looking at MFA programs this morning and I wonder if I can hack it. I wonder if I really can run an editing business. Can I get my work published? I got another rejection notice today which did not help my self esteem much. I am generally feeling pretty lousy about myself because I feel like I'm having a hard time.

But I know I have to try. I can't give up. There's no point to living if you're not striving to make yourself better and trying to fulfill your dreams, right? And I want something better for myself than this life. So, I carry on with the struggle. 

Then Everything Became Clear

I woke up this morning at 6 AM to find that it was that time and everything that had been going on for the past week suddenly made sense. I was hormonal. I am not cracking up. Thank heaven for small favors. This also explains why I have been so ridiculously tired and why I am so tired even at this very moment. It was all I could do to drag myself to the grocery store this morning and I am not ashamed to say that I involuntarily passed out on the couch this afternoon. My nap was short, but glorious.

Yesterday I spent the whole day working on my task list for my business. I have most of it completed, and I'm still feeling very insecure about it, but I am proud that I powered through and got it done. I've begun to realize that it's going to be a while before I get a client and I have to just be patient. I think I need to post on Sarah Von Bargen's Network of Nice next month and do some work for free.

I started a rough outline of my NaNoWriMo today (a FAR cry from fan fiction) and I wonder if I will actually finish this year. I feel good about it. I have a pretty good plan at any rate. I think I am going to buy another copy of No Plot, No Problem! as I am now sure mine was lost in the "Gasoline Incident of 2013". Thankfully, we get paid on Wednesday and I haven't got a whole lot I need to buy.

Oh! One last thing! Mojo Jojo has encouraged me to start writing fan fiction, so when I'm feeling better I'm going to try my hand at it. I haven't got a whole lot else to report. I mainly wanted to say that I'm not Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Some days I sure feel like it though. Source. 

Strange, the Things That Break You

I didn't realize that I wasn't okay until I was driving to pick up that Sprout yesterday and I started blubbering over the fact that one day each member of Duran Duran would die. Not any day soon, but you know, in the fullness of time, as we all do. Then, the logical progression was that I should go to their funerals - but I won't have the funds to do so, which made me cry harder. It was a mess - and a completely illogical reason to be broken up at 1 PM on a random Friday afternoon.

My favorite picture of my favorite line-up. Sorry Rog, not shelling out for your funeral.

I tend to be like that though. A million things could be piling up on top of me and I can take it all in stride, but if something happens that really only matters to me all bets are off. In this instance it was utterly ridiculous because as far as I know the boys are all in perfect health. They're looking a little ragged from the tour/press junket they've been on, but otherwise I think they're fine.

So what the hell is going on with me?

I have been toiling away at in earnest at this writing thing since August with very little return on my investment, which is to be expected, but I have begun to lose my momentum because my workspace has been invaded. j^C is off work indefinitely and as such he's home all the time. I can't seem to work with him around. It's like if I were at his work just hanging out all day. He wouldn't like that very much. I think it was really getting to me. I was getting up at 3 AM and looking at the computer for hours going "Derp-dee-derp-dee-derp-dee-derp! What am I supposed to be doin', George?"

Seriously. It was like my brain walked out of my head.

I told j^C how I was feeling and as such I am feeling a lot better, so hopefully I can get back on track with the writing, but I am still kind of frazzled about some other things on my plate too. I have been working on building my editing business and that's going great, but now I have to start on some of the tasks that scare me and I don't really know where to begin. I guess there's nothing to do but start, but the whole thing fills me with a great deal of anxiety. I don't know why. I guess I don't want to get it wrong, even though there is no wrong. It feels a little like school in a class I'm not really good in.

Then there's the fact that I am hating myself for being overweight. While I am still hovering at 240 pounds I must be doing something right because the doctor told my that my thyroid, cholesterol, and sugar tests all came back normal with no concerning markers. The only thing that's elevated is my blood pressure and it's even dropping with each visit. So, I'm not un-healthy. Just fat. I'd like to not be fat though. I'm working on that though. I walked 3 miles on Thursday morning and I did the leg workout from HELL on Wednesday night. I am still sore.

I bet you're wondering what my fool proof workout plan is, aren't you? Basically. I have put together a body weight workout that I can do in my apartment so there's no excuse not to have done it. Then, as long as I keep getting up at 4 AM I can fit in cardio and weight training before j^C ever goes to work. And I have a meal plan all worked out for the week. Now, if I stick to it is another thing . . .

I like to think that if j^C goes back to work everything will fall into place and work will get done, the house will get clean, and I will feel better, but somehow I doubt it. The fact that I was crying over Duran Duran's mortality points to my overall instability. I hope this is a result of some lack of self care on my part and not something worse. I started a new medicine on Monday, so maybe it's just the adjustment period. So far, I haven't noticed any changes from the meds - good or bad. Time will reveal all, I suppose. I just hope that my crying jag was a one off and that I'll be back on track in the coming week. I have too much to do to be sidelined.

Krispy Kreme, Shepherd's Pie, and Duran Duran

Despite the fact that I am overtired today is shaping up to be a pretty good day and so I thought I would pop by and tell you all about it. But first I suppose I should tell you why I'm tired. I swear, I came by it honestly!

Yesterday I got up at 4 AM with the intention of working out. That did not come to pass, but thankfully I now have an idiot proof plan for making my morning workouts happen. I will elaborate more on that later.

After I dropped That Sprout off at school I went to Krispy Kreme for a latte because I was already dragging. There were all sorts of fun Halloween donuts on display and I so I asked the young man behind the counter what kind of fillings they had. He looked at me like I was dumb and said "Uh, creme." Embarrassed, I replied, "Oh. I'm sorry . . . I asked." I ordered my latte and a pumpkin spice donut while trying to tell myself that maybe the kid was just socially awkward and I shouldn't take it to heart. I paid my bill and was already over it when he came over with a full dozen donuts. He slid them across the counter to me and made the internationally recognized "Shhh, don't tell," gesture. I was so confused. Was this because he was kind of a jerk to me to begin with? Was he flirting? What was the deal? He walked away to finish making my coffee and when he came back I asked "Are you sure?" He said "Yes. They're getting cold and no one wants them when they're cold." Well, okay then. Seems strange, but who am I to turn down free donuts? I thanked him, took my swag, and left.

But I didn't need a dozen donuts. I didn't need the one I bought. What was I going to do? I ate my pumpkin spice donut while I drove. I could take them to That Sprout's school, but that would cause a riot. I could take them to my friend Debbie, since I was going to an appointment next to her office anyway. But there's never any way to know if Debbie is in the office. I could keep them, but we didn't need them. I tried one of the Dozen, just to make sure they weren't bad or something. They were fine. Still warm even. Then it hit me! I could give them to one of Fayetteville's many homeless people! They would surely appreciate it and the donuts wouldn't be wasted.

I set out for the WalMart where many of the local homeless people congregate. As I approached I couldn't believe my luck. There was a man on the corner with what looked to be a sign. I pulled in and rolled down the window. He stuck a DVD through it and said something about God. I said thanks and offered him my donuts. He declined them. I explained that I was trying to give them to a homeless person. "I'm not homeless!" he said. Oops. Apparently he was there protesting the Planned Parenthood across the street. I apologized for my mistake and asked him if he knew where any of the usual homeless people might be. He said that he did. So, I gave him the donuts and instructed him to share them with someone who was hungry. Hopefully, he did so. Although, now that I think about it I probably gave donuts to a bunch of anti-abortion protesters. Either way, I saved myself from eating a million calories worth of Krispy Kreme so, Mission accomplished!

The afternoon consisted of a haircut for That Sprout and grocery shopping, after which I was supposed to make a Shepherd's pie for today. I started cutting up the carrots at about 4 PM. I finished putting the thing together at 10PM. Meanwhile, I used every dish I own - at least that's what it feels like. Why did it take so long? Well, first of all, I don't have a paring knife anymore. It was lost in the move so I was trying to dice carrots with a bread knife. That was quite a feat. Secondly, I only have one large mixing bowl and I was making a triple sized recipe. This was foolish idea as I kept having to switch my meat back and forth between the big bowl and two smaller bowls so that I could use the big bowl for the potatoes as well.

Meanwhile, I thought I could rice cooked frozen cauliflower (which I added to the potatoes). Protip: You cannot rice cooked frozen cauliflower. I thought I could boil the potatoes whole and unpeeled. This sort of worked, but only one and a half of them got done. I have to microwave the other one. I was also making dinner for j^C and That Sprout during this time. And I realized midway though cutting up the carrots that my nails were too long, so I took a break to cut them. And file them. And buff them.

Then there was the debacle of flavoring the meat. I was making this culinary masterpiece out of ground turkey which I drained of all fat and flavor. "No matter" I thought. "I'll just add Worcestershire Sauce to it. It'll be fine." What I didn't realize was that it was going to take the ENTIRE BOTTLE of Worcestershire Sauce. And of course I couldn't just mix the sauce in with a spoon. Oh no. That would have been too easy. I had to massage the sauce into the cooked meat with my hands. This was fine and all, but it was just one more step in the seemingly never ending process of making this damn Shepherd's Pie.

By the time I finished, I was exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open. That is, until I tried to close my eyes to sleep. Ha ha! There's the rub! I was suddenly wide awake! I wound up fooling around on my phone until nearly midnight, only to be woken up by That Sprout shortly after 1. And then I got up at 5 AM this morning because that's what time I normally get up.

So, that's why I'm tired.

But! During the night I visited with Simon LeBon and Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran and it was glorious.  I was at Simon's house for a party. I think it was his birthday party. For reasons that only make sense in a dream there was a museum gift shop in the basement of his house where I bought a shirt to wear to the party. When I got upstairs I sat with Nick who was very sweet, but he was less than impressed with my shirt. He said I shouldn't wear it anywhere else as it would be gauche. I wasn't hurt by this - I was thankful for his fashion advice. We had a really nice conversation while we were waiting for Simon to arrive. I got to see Simon for a moment, and then the dream was over. I needed a Nick Rhodes dream.

Later on in the morning I made a new Pandora station for SWANS - and wouldn't you know, it plays Joy Division, Bauhaus, and The Cure. I am pretty stoked about this. And I had a pumpkin muffin from Target that was exquisite. It had cinnamon sugar covered pumpkin seeds on the top and everything. Mmm, mmm. The bottle of Vanilla Frappucino on the other hand . . . left something to be desired. I like my coffee to taste like coffee, but this morning I was so tired that I couldn't afford to be picky.

But still, because of the dream and the muffin I am in light spirits this morning. Life is good. This afternoon I am going to have lunch at the Haymont Grill, carve a pumpkin, and go to the gym. Exciting stuff.

In other news, I have 30 whole followers on Twitter now! I am working with Schan Ellis to build my editing business through social media and I think that the magic bullet for getting my followers is #amwriting. I added this to a few tweets this morning and wound up with 8 new followers. Something is working anyway. I think I might be getting the hang of this social media thing.

I'll be back tomorrow with a more focused update. I'm going to lunch now. :-D