Respect

j^C and I went to Oktoberfest in Savannah this afternoon with Carl-os. It left something to be desired, so we went to The Bier Haus instead. The food and beer was delish. I had the opportunity to have long and somewhat awkward conversation with Carl-os about Daikatana and some other writing projects I had shelved. Maybe I'll unshelve them soon. NaNoWriMo approacheth. After dinner, the three of us met Woman of Steele to watch Gravity at the IMAX theater. The movie was beautiful. I'm using that word a lot lately, but I am finding beauty in unexpected places. This was my first IMAX experience and it was really cool. I am still not a fan of 3D, but as Carl-os pointed out, this was a great movie to have done it with. I just feel weird always trying to focus my eyes. I gives me motion sickness. Seriously though, if you get the chance, I strongly encourage you to go see Gravity. As my therapist would say, it was life affirming.

In other news, I discovered that someone I already love is a really fantastic writer. I read a piece he'd written and it was deep: vivid, unique, and fearless. While it was a really heart-wrenching thing to read, I was so happy that he'd shared it with me - that I might share it with another friend who is going through a similar situation. I hope his words are of some comfort to her.

This is why we share our stories, after all, and the purpose behind FPN. Telling our stories to others creates intimacy in any relationship and I like to think that I am not friends with people I do not want to be emotionally intimate with. If you cannot be your raw, uncensored, authentic self with your friends, you have to wonder "what is a friend?"

I think that most people find it a lot easier to be physically intimate with someone than to be emotionally vulnerable. It's easier to bear your body than to bear your soul. I know - I struggle with it too. I think all of us want to be close to people, but we don't know how. Being open and honest can be kind of scary. You never know how people are going to react. It's a risky and front loaded venture.

Physical intimacy has a delayed kind of danger. There is the initial fear of rejection, but after that you get lost in the act. You feel good about making someone feel good. You feel wanted, needed, and powerful. But nothing lasts forever, and before long you're all alone again - feeling dirty and used, wondering what happened and how.

I don't like feeling like that anymore. I'm looking for something bigger. I crave meaning. I want relationships that matter. I've learned that those relationships are relatively few and I now realize that I am so fortunate to have what I view as more than my fair share. I have realized that I've been careless with my friends over the years. I don't want to be that way anymore. I might not have everything in life that I want right now, but I am so blessed to have the people I have in my life right now. I love them a lot. They make me feel loved, heard, and valued. I want to keep them around. I want our friendships to get deeper. Hence my fetish for intimacy.

I am so stupid tired right now, I'm not sure what my point here was. I guess just that I love my friends and I am especially impressed with my new writer friend's courage in being honest about something he has been through. I wish that everyone in my life could be so brave. I wish for a lot of things that I fear will never be. I wish I could say what I really think and feel. I'm just not sure what that is. All I know is that I feel like I'm drowning in something decadent and beautiful that leaves me gasping for air.