Since last we spoke, I have been on a quest to clean out my fire hazard office so that I might finally set up the new computer I got for Christmas and get j^C off my back about using his things. Sharing is caring, but he didn't get the memo. In my cleaning I've unearthed the annals of my writing - an exciting thing, I assure you. I'm sorry to say that my composition and structure has only gotten worse since the 6th Grade. Alas. At least my leading men don't all smack of Bruce Wayne anymore . . .
While reading through various papers and composition books, I found a list I made several years ago of things I wanted to blog about. See, I thought that I was going to be a famous and rich blogger after college. Ha! If I knew then what I know now. There were several ideas on the list which I have no interest in now - but there was a standout which is now FPN's NEW FEATURE: T&A Tuesadays!
What is a T&A Tuesday? I'd rather show you than tell you, so here's the first one.
I don't know what the fascination is, really, but I have a "thing" about people with snaggly type teeth. I don't care much for gaps, but I think a crooked smile is one of the sexiest things ever. Maybe it's because I am a vampire loving cat lady, but I think snaggle teeth are great. I will not apologize. I blame Interview with the Vampire for this dental appreciation. Kirsten Dunst was beautiful in that film, all lithe and catlike with her huge eyes and fangly fangs. I was delighted to find out that even though she wore prostetic fangs on screen, she still had fang-like snaggle teeth in real life. I loved it and I wanted to look like that too. Sadly, I was blessed instead with a gap, much to my chagrin. Sad also, is the fact that Kirsten had her teeth ruined fixed last year by eliminating the sexy snaggle. I am sad. But there's hope! While Hollywood might frown on unique smiles, the music industry in more forgiving. So, I give you:
Dig that graphic, huh? Generators are my best friends.
I couldn't decide on just one photo. He is too fine and his smile is just too charming. Now, I know that this is supposed to be all about T&A, and how sexy these people are, but Billy's sexiness is only increased by virtue of his incredible talent. If there's one artist I would love to collaborate with, Billy is the one. Of course, I might melt into a puddle on the floor the first time I made him laugh. And I would make him laugh. Don't you worry about that. There's also the fact that he's 6'3" and he could make me feel small and fragile. I like feeling small and fragile. People, he's #1 for a reason, and it's not just the cat-like, snaggly-toothed-ness.
We, the little people, are thankful that there wasn't easily accessed Orthodontia in Alaska when Jewel was a child, although even if it had been available, our girl would have declined. Over the course of her career her crooked smile has sadly received as much attention as her music, and yet she has never chosen to realign her teeth. When asked, she gives a very simple reason why: "I don't like pain. I never wanted braces." Amen, sister! You don't need them! So called imperfections are beautiful, and I think Jewel is beautiful just the way she is, snaggle tooth and all.
Oh, Moby. He's pretty much adorable, in that impish way I love so much. He's only 5'7", so he's kind of like this crazy-impressive, techno-spinning, snaggle-toothed elf. I love it. I just wish he would make a big comeback squash this dub-step stuff into submission. Because my taste is all that matters. Yeah. Seriously though, at least he's mostly washed looking - five o'clock shadow notwithstanding.
I have very little to say about the future Ex-Mrs. Chad Kroeger. I think she's really pretty. I appreciate that she hasn't changed her snaggle tooth. I like her music well enough. I just wish that her smiles didn't look so forced . . . It must be hard to be rich and famous.
There was a time, not so long ago, when I was in love with Gerard here. That time has come and gone, and while I do think that he is both beautiful and talented, my tastes have evolved and I am interested in men who are not so slight and frail looking (see #1). Nevertheless, Gerard is also in possession of the catlike features and snaggle tooth, so he's here to round out our list. While my lust for his person seems to have dissipated, I still think he's easy on the eyes, and I certainly wouldn't kick him out of bed. Maybe the fact that he's married and has a kid killed my interest. I am such a hypocrite.
In Wednesday Reflections #9, I said that music is the thing that turns me on the most - creatively speaking. In hindsight, that wasn't entirely true. I love music, I am inspired by music, but music is a symptom of a greater disease: Talent. That's the thing that gets me out of bed every day - the opportunity to engage with talented people, experience the works of talented people, and to hone my own talent, whatever that may be.
I have a reputation of being very negative about myself, and I promise to not take this post to that dark place. I am probably a lot more talented at a lot more things than I give myself credit for. The problem is that I tend to get in my own way. I start trying to compare and rate myself and when I find that I am not on par with the likes of Lou Reed, Orson Welles, or Vladimir Nabokov - who are veritable titans of creative prowess, I begin down the road of despair and self doubt. I begin to think that I will never be great, so why bother? This is a dark and dangerous trail, and I'm often waylayed for a while before I begin walking again, in search of the crossroads that will lead to belief and hope and light. And this happens monthly, weekly, or daily, depending on my mental and emotional weather report.
But! There is always a light! Eventually, I come to see that it's always good to aspire to greatness, and, as Oscar Wilde said, "We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking to the stars,". So, mostly, talented people inspire me with their stories, their abilities, and their sheer perseverance. This is why I love talent. Now, for the list:
1. Lou Reed's "Perfect Day"
I realize that many of you are probably wondering "Why are you so obsessed with this guy?". You are asking this because you are not hip to his lengthy and mind blowing career. I could write reams about him, so I'm using the song "Perfect Day" to illustrate my point. Watch the video. I'll wait . . . OK, so that was a pretty song, yes? I think so, and all those insanely talented and incredibly diverse musicians in the video agree with me. Lou Reed is widely knows as the bad boy of rock and roll who writes songs about drag queens, prostitution, drugs and their dealers, and all the other dark and gritty elements that make up real life. That alone is enough for me to be completely enamored of him.
But then there's the fact that he was one of the first (if not the first) artists to use guitar feedback to good effect, essentially paving the way for heavy metal and bands like The White Stripes. And he was friends with Warhol. And he used to date this transgender individual (see what I did there?) named Rachel. And he was an English Major. And he began his musical education in classical piano, which brings us back to "Perfect Day". Did you get a load of that arrangement? It's beautiful. That song alone has been covered by so many people of so many different musical backgrounds that it's not even funny, most notably in my opinion, Susan Boyle and Duran Duran.
Yes, it's always gonna come back round to Duran Duran, and in this case, so it should. Lou Reed's work was a huge influence on the Fab Five (Four? Three? Two? Seven?), so much so that they not only covered "Perfect Day" on their tribute cover album Thank You, they also covered "Femme Fatale" on 1993's The Wedding Album. Long story short: The first I ever knew of Lou Reed in any capacity, was through Duran Duran, and I was blown away. The man is not only a walking streak of sex, he's leaves a trail of talent and inspiration wherever he treads, as is evidenced by "Perfect Day", and I really love that.
2. The Polyphonic Spree
I don't have much pithy to say about this. Talent. Lots of people with talent. Together. Being talented. Spreading joy. Being beautiful. What's not to love?
3. Charles Bukowski
Charles Bukowski struggled and worked and wrote and smoked and drank and fucked for his entire life. Although he started to get published in the 40s, he didn't hit it big until he was in his 40s. He's one of those edgy, mouthy, obscene motherfuckers who either you love or you love to hate. I am in the former camp, while it would seem that most are in the latter. I am not sure how honest he was in his writing, but I firmly believe that he was talented in the same ways as the whores and burlesque dancers he wrote about were. There was something raw and visceral, yet feigning and often tender about his way with words.
He was a man of many faces, and although he chose to show the world a face that was damaged, sick, and perverse, there was also the bluebird in his heart. There was the man who was made small and humble by the adoration of his daughter. There the boy who never really got over the abuse and rejection he endured. There was the tender lover who wanted to weak and vulnerable in the arms of the woman he loved. So many faces set to meet faces, unified by one soul and laid out for the world to see - made beautiful in black and white.
***
Today's was a short list - I'm sorry for that, but I've got a great many projects I'd like to start working on today, and I didn't want to take up too much time here. I've realized that my afternoon panic attacks, which seem to have become a trend, may be a result of dehydration and sugar. So, I'm off to drink some water before working on my little tasks. Whether my new hydration are successful, time will only tell.
I was going to write about how terribly I've been struggling with mood swings, anxiety, and depression since the beginning of the year, but since looking at the backlog and realizing that I've written mostly more than I haven't I feel a little better. I've lost six weeks - not great, but not bad.
I've been meaning to write about a new-ish phenomenon that I've become aware of within myself as of late - but writing is a task rife with panic these days, so I've been letting it go. Not today though - today I bring you news of "Uranium J's Spirit Guide of the Week".
Also, have been suffering PMS - which is
made better by Louis here and his friend. Source
I can tell that you are intrigued, as well you should be since it's quite an intriguing subject. It seems that for the past two months or so, I've had a new weekly obsession with some musician or other. They all seem to peak and fade in seven days, so I've had a somewhat relentless cast of persona's guiding me in through my trials and tribulations since sometime in mid March, when I was completely taken with Michael Jackson. After him, there was Gotye, Marilyn Manson, Nelly, Billy Jack, and now, Lou Reed.
Lou Reed . . . How do I love thee? Let me count the ways . . . Then again, perhaps not. We could be here quite a while if I were to start down that road. I will instead give you the highlights as to why he is currently serving as Spirit Guide of the Week:
1. The Man is a Walking Streak of Sex.
Define: Walking Streak of Sex - See:
"Lou Reed". Source
2. He made his own rules.
"Me? I just invented feedback.
What do you do?"Source
"What? You didn't like the last album?
Excuse me while I try to summon
a fuck to give." Source
Now, what has this to do with Uranium J? Well, this week I've found that I need to feel sexy and I need to feel empowered, and I REALLY need to feel like a SURLY MOTHERFUCKER.
So, I'm listening to a lot of Lou this week and like he sang over 40 years ago, my life was saved by rock & roll. I won't elaborate as I don't want to alarm my dear readers, but suffice it to say that sometimes anxiety grows into a panic that is brief and all encompassing and you feel trapped and claustrophobic in your own body - in your own mind - and you can think of nothing for that brief time except how to escape. It was during a time like this that Lou Reed's rock and roll saved my life - filling me with "Heroin"; sonically injected.
So, yes. I've been really struggling with anxiety, but Lou Reed makes it better. I've been struggling with feeling like a failure, but I've not really lost all that much time, all things considered. Things are hard, but I'm taking my cue from this week's Spirit Guide and continuing to move forward. Fuck that "Better to burn out than fade away" shit. I'm not buying it.
First things first, here we have Uranium J's answers to James Lipton's 10 Questions. Just in case I never make it on to Inside the Actor's Studio.
1.What
is your favorite word? Somnambulist
2.What
is your least favorite word? Ordinary
3.What
turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Music
4.What
turns you off? People who lack self awareness
5.What
is your favorite curse word? Cunt
6.What
sound or noise do you love? The drums at a football game.
7.What
sound or noise do you hate? The crackling in my ears when I sing too
loud.
8.What
profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Something involving
music, people, or insects.
9.What
profession would you not like to do? Selling things.
10.If
Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the
Pearly Gates? "There was never any question."
things first, here we have Uranium J's answers to James Li
Now, about those other two things. I have been hard at work since Monday writing my piece for Camp NaNoWriMo, and I am currently a little more than 5,000 words in. Tres exciting. (I would love to know what's going on with the formatting today. Oh well, not going to worry about it.) I would be a lot happier and far more joyful about this writing process if it weren't for the fact that all of my Teacher Ready work is due on Friday and I haven't really had the inclination to work on it.
Which brings us to the anxiety. I've been taking a few Xanax here and there to help me cope and I've been chipping away at the workload when I'm not writing my novel. I really hate this feeling that there are more things to do than time to do them in. I feel as though every time I blink, another week has passed and I haven't accomplished anything. Wouldn't it be lovely to have all the unimportant and mundane tasks in my life situated in such a way that they don't take up much of my time? Then I could focus on the interesting and important things more fully, like school and writing, and I could enjoy the fun things which at present don't seem to be taking up any space in my life at all. I suppose it's all a process. I just wish I could come to the place where my time is managed appropriately.
