Ball Up the Fist, Reach Way Back, and Assert Yourself

So, I blew it. I did not keep my promise. I've been absent for a whole week. I think that's alright though. I've been on the go - driving to Florida and back in less than 24 hours, making Christmas happen, and mostly staying sane. Mostly. Today, I am going to debrief you all about Christmas, which was sort of a roller coaster - but a baby one, kind of like Space Mountain as opposed to Kraken or something.

I had a well outlined plan for getting everything done before Christmas. I was going to go to the ballet, do some random acts of kindness, clean the whole house, wrap the gifts, make 15 different kinds of things for gifts (both edible and non-edible), and be done with it all by the morning of December 24, so that all I had to do was bake cookies and make Christmas dinner.

Somewhere along the way, my plan fell flat. I was exhausted after going to Florida and I lost a lot of time in recovery. I was already behind because the Army wanted more of j^C's time than we had originally planned for, so I had a lot less help with That Sprout than I had anticipated. It also doesn't help that my attention span for any given task is about two hours.

What they don't tell you is that years of family holidays wore Edward Nigma's
psyche to a frazzle. Source

How, exactly, did this happen? Source

So, we found ourselves on Christmas Eve with a dirty house, fewer homemade gifts than needed, no Christmas Cookies, and no way to even begin with the Random Acts of Kindness thing. Still, I persevered, right up to the point where the brownies stuck to the *&%#@*?$! pan.

Then came the tears, followed by what should have been a nice car ride to see Christmas lights but turned out to be a discussion on why j^C hates Christmas. He hates the conspicuous consumption aspect, and the fact that we are always struggling and yet still expected to cough up more money than we have. Maybe this is not the reality, but this is how it is perceived. He's also not fond of how stressed I get around the holidays. This conversation was most unpleasant, but thankfully we came to the conclusion that we need to identify what is most important about each holiday and focus on that in order to minimize stress all around. 

When we got home, I took some time to calm down and relax. Then I got up, cleaned the kitchen, arranged the gifts under the tree - mostly in brown paper bags - popped a Xanax, and went to bed.

Christmas morning started off well, That Sprout played with some of her new toys while I made breakfast and baked cookies. Throughout the day j^C and I worked on cleaning the house, which in reality wasn't that bad to begin with. The main issue was the excessive amounts of dog hair and dirt.

Despite the fact that I had really wanted most of these things to have been done already and the pervasive feeling of failure and disappointment about not doing "ALL THE THINGS", I was in a fairly good mood. By 2pm, I had reached a point where I could take a little break, and upon reflection I was pleased at what had been a mostly stress free day. I decided that I would assemble the last dish for dinner at 3:30, so that it could be done by 4:30.

This turned out to be my undoing.

j^C's family was set to arrive at 4 pm which was the exact time I planned to pop that last pan in the oven. I should have begun 10 minutes sooner because they showed up in the middle of the assembly.

j^C's family are really nice people, and his mother had good intentions. She really wants to be helpful. The problem is that there are some things that I believe to be solitary tasks. Cooking is one of them. It is a highly meditative activity for me, and as I am not very good at being assertive, my non-acceptance of help in the kitchen usually results in me looking like a hostile bitch. I'm not - but the most helpful thing anyone can do for me in the kitchen is to leave. I don't like being interrupted  I don't like being asked 17 million questions, and I really, honestly, don't need any help. I have a plan, and I promise, if I need your help, I will ask. It's just hard to convey that nicely, firmly, and in less than 10 seconds.

So, I look like a harpy.

This is indicative of a larger problem, and perhaps the entire problem with holidays in general: I don't know how to be assertive. I am so afraid of looking like a bitch that I wind up buckling until I can't take it anymore. Then, when I'm at my breaking point, I lash out like a caged lion. This is not a good and it does not make for a pleasant domestic situation, as you can well imagine. I feel like I'm the Riddler:

When I try to assert myself, I just wind up breaking my hand. Not good. Not good at all.

So too, with the holiday debacle of 2012. While I do not need help in the kitchen, I did need help in other areas and I did not solicit that help effectively and wound up completely drained. That, and I expected too much of myself in the first place because I wasn't brave enough, assertive enough, to just have the conversation about what was expected of me by others. I was trying to live up to my own astronomically high standards, as well as the standards that I imagined others had for me. All that shit is exhausting.

With regard to the kitchen thing, rather than being the total bitch I was, I should have said something like: "Thank you so much for your offer to help! The most helpful thing for me would be to keep That Sprout occupied and out of my way. I have everything in here under control." It's hard to come up with that under duress though, and when the family blows in like a tornado, it's hard not to be under duress. Of course, that's not really under my control though is it? The best I can do is cope. If only I had had a larger family as a child I should no doubt be used to the chaos that family interaction brings. Alas, I had not, and now I pay the price.

As for expectations, I will be thinking about this long and hard. Zen teaches us to let go of our attachments, but I think in the name of tradition, you should hold some things sacred. I just need to identify what those things are. Clearly, real food is of no interest to me on Christmas. Cookies, candy, and fruitcakes though - totally different story. I like gifts, but only really well thought out ones, which I received in abundance and am very grateful for. Humility and gratitude, by the way, are far better feelings than obligation and resentment. The goal then, is to cultivate more of these good feelings through better, more effective use of assertiveness. I can't keep breaking my hand. It's starting to hurt.