New Feature! New Feature! "Cus Ya Can't Put Tits and Ass Up on the Marquee"

Since last we spoke, I have been on a quest to clean out my fire hazard office so that I might finally set up the new computer I got for Christmas and get j^C off my back about using his things. Sharing is caring, but he didn't get the memo.  In my cleaning I've unearthed the annals of my writing - an exciting thing, I assure you. I'm sorry to say that my composition and structure has only gotten worse since the 6th Grade. Alas. At least my leading men don't all smack of Bruce Wayne anymore . . . 

While reading through various papers and composition books, I found a list I made several years ago of things I wanted to blog about. See, I thought that I was going to be a famous and rich blogger after college. Ha! If I knew then what I know now. There were several ideas on the list which I have no interest in now - but there was a standout which is now FPN's NEW FEATURE: T&A Tuesadays!

What is a T&A Tuesday? I'd rather show you than tell you, so here's the first one.

I don't know what the fascination is, really, but I have a "thing" about people with snaggly type teeth. I don't care much for gaps, but I think a crooked smile is one of the sexiest things ever. Maybe it's because I am a vampire loving cat lady, but I think snaggle teeth are great. I will not apologize. I blame Interview with the Vampire for this dental appreciation. Kirsten Dunst was beautiful in that film, all lithe and catlike with her huge eyes and fangly fangs. I was delighted to find out that even though she wore prostetic fangs on screen, she still had fang-like snaggle teeth in real life. I loved it and I wanted to look like that too. Sadly, I was blessed instead with a gap, much to my chagrin. Sad also, is the fact that Kirsten had her teeth ruined fixed last year by eliminating the sexy snaggle. I am sad. But there's hope! While Hollywood might frown on unique smiles, the music industry in more forgiving. So, I give you:

Dig that graphic, huh? Generators are my best friends.

1. Billy Corgan

Source. Source. Source. Source. Source.

I couldn't decide on just one photo. He is too fine and his smile is just too charming. Now, I know that this is supposed to be all about T&A, and how sexy these people are, but Billy's sexiness is only increased by virtue of his incredible talent. If there's one artist I would love to collaborate with, Billy is the one. Of course, I might melt into a puddle on the floor the first time I made him laugh. And I would make him laugh. Don't you worry about that.  There's also the fact that he's 6'3" and he could make me feel small and fragile. I like feeling small and fragile. People, he's #1 for a reason, and it's not just the cat-like, snaggly-toothed-ness.

2. Jewel

Source.

We, the little people, are thankful that there wasn't easily accessed Orthodontia in Alaska when Jewel was a child, although even if it had been available, our girl would have declined. Over the course of her career her crooked smile has sadly received as much attention as her music, and yet she has never chosen to realign her teeth. When asked, she gives a very simple reason why: "I don't like pain. I never wanted braces." Amen, sister! You don't need them! So called imperfections are beautiful, and I think Jewel is beautiful just the way she is, snaggle tooth and all.

3. Moby

Source.

Oh, Moby. He's pretty much adorable, in that impish way I love so much. He's only 5'7", so he's kind of like this crazy-impressive, techno-spinning, snaggle-toothed elf. I love it. I just wish he would make a big comeback squash this dub-step stuff into submission. Because my taste is all that matters. Yeah. Seriously though, at least he's mostly washed looking - five o'clock shadow notwithstanding.

4. Avril Lavigne

Source.

I have very little to say about the future Ex-Mrs. Chad Kroeger. I think she's really pretty. I appreciate that she hasn't changed her snaggle tooth. I like her music well enough. I just wish that her smiles didn't look so forced . . . It must be hard to be rich and famous.

5. Gerard Way

Source.

There was a time, not so long ago, when I was in love with Gerard here. That time has come and gone, and while I do think that he is both beautiful and talented, my tastes have evolved and I am interested in men who are not so slight and frail looking (see #1). Nevertheless, Gerard is also in possession of the catlike features and snaggle tooth, so he's here to round out our list. While my lust for his person seems to have dissipated, I still think he's easy on the eyes, and I certainly wouldn't kick him out of bed. Maybe the fact that he's married and has a kid killed my interest. I am such a hypocrite.

"I Love Things!" Thursdays - The One About Talent

In Wednesday Reflections #9, I said that music is the thing that turns me on the most - creatively speaking. In hindsight, that wasn't entirely true. I love music, I am inspired by music, but music is a symptom of a greater disease: Talent. That's the thing that gets me out of bed every day - the opportunity to engage with talented people, experience the works of talented people, and to hone my own talent, whatever that may be.

I have a reputation of being very negative about myself, and I promise to not take this post to that dark place. I am probably a lot more talented at a lot more things than I give myself credit for. The problem is that I tend to get in my own way. I start trying to compare and rate myself and when I find that I am not on par with the likes of Lou Reed, Orson Welles, or Vladimir Nabokov - who are veritable titans of creative prowess, I begin down the road of despair and self doubt. I begin to think that I will never be great, so why bother? This is a dark and dangerous trail, and I'm often waylayed for a while before I begin walking again, in search of the crossroads that will lead to belief and hope and light. And this happens monthly, weekly, or daily, depending on my mental and emotional weather report.

But! There is always a light! Eventually, I come to see that it's always good to aspire to greatness, and, as Oscar Wilde said, "We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking to the stars,". So,  mostly, talented people inspire me with their stories, their abilities, and their sheer perseverance. This is why I love talent. Now, for the list:

1. Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" 

I realize that many of you are probably wondering "Why are you so obsessed with this guy?". You are asking this because you are not hip to his lengthy and mind blowing career. I could write reams about him, so I'm using the song "Perfect Day" to illustrate my point. Watch the video. I'll wait . . . OK, so that was a pretty song, yes? I think so, and all those insanely talented and incredibly diverse musicians in the video agree with me. Lou Reed is widely knows as the bad boy of rock and roll who writes songs about drag queens, prostitution, drugs and their dealers, and all the other dark and gritty elements that make up real life. That alone is enough for me to be completely enamored of him. 

But then there's the fact that he was one of the first (if not the first) artists to use guitar feedback to good effect, essentially paving the way for heavy metal and bands like The White Stripes. And he was friends with Warhol. And he used to date this transgender individual (see what I did there?) named Rachel. And he was an English Major. And he began his musical education in classical piano, which brings us back to "Perfect Day". Did you get a load of that arrangement? It's beautiful. That song alone has been covered by so many people of so many different musical backgrounds that it's not even funny, most notably in my opinion, Susan Boyle and Duran Duran. 

Yes, it's always gonna come back round to Duran Duran, and in this case, so it should. Lou Reed's work was a huge influence on the Fab Five (Four? Three? Two? Seven?), so much so that they not only covered "Perfect Day" on their tribute cover album Thank You, they also covered "Femme Fatale" on 1993's The Wedding Album. Long story short: The first I ever knew of Lou Reed in any capacity, was through Duran Duran, and I was blown away. The man is not only a walking streak of sex, he's leaves a trail of talent and inspiration wherever he treads, as is evidenced by "Perfect Day", and I really love that.

2. The Polyphonic Spree

I don't have much pithy to say about this. Talent. Lots of people with talent. Together. Being talented. Spreading joy. Being beautiful. What's not to love?

3. Charles Bukowski

Charles Bukowski struggled and worked and wrote and smoked and drank and fucked for his entire life. Although he started to get published in the 40s, he didn't hit it big until he was in his  40s. He's one of those edgy, mouthy, obscene motherfuckers who either you love or you love to hate. I am in the former camp, while it would seem that most are in the latter. I am not sure how honest he was in his writing, but I firmly believe that he was talented in the same ways as the whores and burlesque dancers he wrote about were. There was something raw and visceral, yet feigning and often tender about his way with words. 

He was a man of many faces, and although he chose to show the world a face that was damaged, sick, and perverse, there was also the bluebird in his heart. There was the man who was made small and humble by the adoration of his daughter. There the boy who never really got over the abuse and rejection he endured. There was the tender lover who wanted to weak and vulnerable in the arms of the woman he loved. So many faces set to meet faces, unified by one soul and laid out for the world to see - made beautiful in black and white. 

***

Today's was a short list - I'm sorry for that, but I've got a great many projects I'd like to start working on today, and I didn't want to take up too much time here. I've realized that my afternoon panic attacks, which seem to have become a trend, may be a result of dehydration and sugar. So, I'm off to drink some water before working on my little tasks. Whether my new hydration are successful, time will only tell.

Wednesday Reflections #10 - Actually #16, But Who's Counting?

I was going to write about how terribly I've been struggling with mood swings, anxiety, and depression since the beginning of the year, but since looking at the backlog and realizing that I've written mostly more than I haven't I feel a little better. I've lost six weeks - not great, but not bad.

For shame, for shame. Source

I've been meaning to write about a new-ish phenomenon that I've become aware of within myself as of late - but writing is a task rife with panic these days, so I've been letting it go. Not today though - today I bring you news of "Uranium J's Spirit Guide of the Week".

Also, have been suffering PMS - which is
 made better by Louis here and his friend.
Source

I can tell that you are intrigued, as well you should be since it's quite an intriguing subject. It seems that for the past two months or so, I've had a new weekly obsession with some musician or other. They all seem to peak and fade in seven days, so I've had a somewhat relentless cast of persona's guiding me in through my trials and tribulations since sometime in mid March, when I was completely taken with Michael Jackson. After him, there was Gotye, Marilyn Manson, Nelly, Billy Jack, and now, Lou Reed.

Is anyone else noticing a trend? Source

Lou Reed . . . How do I love thee? Let me count the ways . . . Then again, perhaps not. We could be here quite a while if I were to start down that road. I will instead give you the highlights as to why he is currently serving as Spirit Guide of the Week:

1. The Man is a Walking Streak of Sex.

Define: Walking Streak of Sex - See:
"Lou Reed".  Source

2. He made his own rules.

"Me? I just invented feedback.
What do you do?"Source

3. Metal. Machine. Music.

"What? My next album? Oh, it's gonna
be a real 'art record'. You'll love it."Source

4. He may be the most talented pop lyricist EVER.

Can we say "Fabulous"? Source

5. He is one SURLY MOTHERFUCKER (see #3).

"What? You didn't like the last album?
Excuse me while I try to summon
a fuck to give."
Source

Now, what has this to do with Uranium J? Well, this week I've found that I need to feel sexy and I need to feel empowered, and I REALLY need to feel like a SURLY MOTHERFUCKER.

But one with a sensitive side. Source

So, I'm listening to a lot of Lou this week and like he sang over 40 years ago, my life was saved by rock & roll. I won't elaborate as I don't want to alarm my dear readers, but suffice it to say that sometimes anxiety grows into a panic that is brief and all encompassing and you feel trapped and claustrophobic in your own body - in your own mind - and you can think of nothing for that brief time except how to escape. It was during a time like this that Lou Reed's rock and roll saved my life -  filling me with "Heroin"; sonically injected. 

So, yes. I've been really struggling with anxiety, but Lou Reed makes it better. I've been struggling with feeling like a failure, but I've not really lost all that much time, all things considered. Things are hard, but I'm taking my cue from this week's Spirit Guide and continuing to move forward. Fuck that "Better to burn out than fade away" shit. I'm not buying it.

Lou Reed and Me are OG. Source

Wednesday Reflections # 9 - James Lipton, Camp NaNoWriMo, and Anxiety

First things first, here we have Uranium J's answers to James Lipton's 10 Questions. Just in case I never make it on to Inside the Actor's Studio.

1.     What is your favorite word? Somnambulist

2.     What is your least favorite word? Ordinary

3.     What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Music

4.     What turns you off? People who lack self awareness

5.     What is your favorite curse word? Cunt

6.     What sound or noise do you love? The drums at a football game.

7.     What sound or noise do you hate? The crackling in my ears when I sing too loud.

8.     What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Something involving music, people, or insects.

9.     What profession would you not like to do? Selling things.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? "There was never any question."

things first, here we have Uranium J's answers to James Li

Now, about those other two things. I have been hard at work since Monday writing my piece for Camp NaNoWriMo, and I am currently a little more than 5,000 words in. Tres exciting. (I would love to know what's going on with the formatting today. Oh well, not going to worry about it.) I would be a lot happier and far more joyful about this writing process if it weren't for the fact that all of my Teacher Ready work is due on Friday and I haven't really had the inclination to work on it. 

Which brings us to the anxiety. I've been taking a few Xanax here and there to help me cope and I've been chipping away at the workload when I'm not writing my novel. I really hate this feeling that there are more things to do than time to do them in. I feel as though every time I blink, another week has passed and I haven't accomplished anything. Wouldn't it be lovely to have all the unimportant and mundane tasks in my life situated in such a way that they don't take up much of my time? Then I could focus on the interesting and important things more fully, like school and writing, and I could enjoy the fun things which at present don't seem to be taking up any space in my life at all. I suppose it's all a process. I just wish I could come to the place where my time is managed appropriately.

Alas. 

Off I go to work on school. Ciao!

"I Love Things!" Thursdays - The One with Equal Rights n' Junk

I have to focus on the positive, lest I be swallowed up whole by the negative. So, I bring you once again,

1) Stephen Fry

Source

I love this man. He is a comedian, a scholar, a great humanitarian, and most importantly, a seemingly really down to earth human being. I love the many things he's worked on in his career such as A Bit of Fry and Laurie, Blackadder, and Wilde. As a matter of fact, it was through that last project that I became fully aware of who Mr. Stephen Fry was, as I saw the film at the height of my Oscar Wilde obsession. If you have not seen Wilde, then you need to stop whatever you are doing at this moment and go watch it. Seriously, go. I'll wait . . . Now, do you see? Wasn't that the most heart rending and beautiful portrayal of a troubled, brilliant, and complex character that you ever did see? And that Jude Law as Boisie - Wow. I think he go typecast as "bitchy twink" early on in his career. Glad to see that a couple of Michael Caine remakes allowed him to expand his repertoire. He's not important right now though; we're talking about Stephen Fry. A man who is a kind as he is smart, as articulate as he is funny. A man who has been very public about his personal struggles with manic depression and coming to terms with his sexuality. A finer living human being I cannot at this moment name. That's how great I think he is. If I could have someone in my life to serve as a father figure I only hope he is half the man that Stephen Fry is.

2) George Takei

Source

Geek. Star Trek alumnus. Champion for equal rights. Really funny guy. Possibly a little crazy. These are all reasons why I love George Takei. He is always putting something funny up on his facebook and I need that on days when the sneaky hate spiral starts to get me down. I also love how much he seems to love an support his friends. He posts birthdays and new project announcements. He doesn't have to, but he does. Also, he uses social media for good, not evil. (I will address this further in #3). He is a great example of the type of online presence I hope to some day be. What a great role model.

3) Internet Love for EQUALITY v DOMA/PROP H8

Source

It does my little liberal heart good to see facebook flooded with pink equal signs on a red field. Thank you George Takei for making me aware of the new logo - I changed my profile picture immediately. This is it. The people are speaking. While I have mixed feelings about the genesis of The Defense of Marriage Act*, I believe 100% that an aspect of someone's person hood need not be up for debate. I am so glad to see that people have come out in droves to support this cause. Maybe if we can resolve this issue the law makers can  focus their attention on our coffers instead of our bedrooms.

*It was and is completely unconstitutional because it in direct opposition to The Full Faith and Credit Clause as it is outlined in the United States Constitution but I feel that perhaps Clinton had to give in on something at the time in order to gain something else politically, like decreasing military spending in order to balance the budget. I do not believe Clinton wanted to do it, but it was politics as usual and I can see how it would have been a very hard but neccessary choice as I believe that the "Moral Majority" were in control of the house and the senate at the time. I'll check some history books and get back to you on it. My point is, like the Irish Free State, DADT and DOMA were stepping stones to where we are today, at least this is what I believe. 

4) Weird Al Yankovic and Family

The Photo is Property of Adam Rouska Source

Is this not the most beautiful thing you have ever seen in your entire life? Mojo Jojo posted this on my facebook wall and I think I just about cried. I have loved Weird Al since the 4th grade. I had 3 or 4 Bad Hair Day tapes because I played them so much that the tape shredded. Al, geek extraordinaire, comedian, human rights activist, and apparently all around nice guy is pictured here with his stunning wife and daughter in protest of Prop 8. I am astounded. I have fallen in love with the man all over again. Not only do I appreciate the sentiment, but I love the classy way in which this photo was executed. The whole family is there, showing solidarity, but the daughter's face is buried between mom and dad in order to not focus on her or bring her unwanted and unneeded exposure. Yet another thing that brought joy and sunshine into my life this week.  Can I also say that I love how beautiful his wife is rocking the natural hair color? I was not at all exageratting when I said that I think she is stunning.

5) Candace Gingrich-Jones

Source

See that woman right there? Yeah, in 2003, in the DC headquarters of the HRC, I met her. I spoke to her. I shook her hand. I even put the picture in my senior yearbook, so proud was I that I met her. Who is she? She's Newt Gingrich's little sister, a lesbian and a tireless activist for equal rights. I remember seeing her on TV when I was a kid and Newt was Speaker of the House. I always thought she was just incredible. And I met her, people. She was awesome, and again, so down to earth and humble. Great people are great. She's an inspiration, not only on the equal rights front, but for me to know that I too can be great someday, and with my non-profit work, maybe I already am.

And now, since I'm on about equal rights, a song about transgender women. Why? Because we all deserve equal rights, (and because I fucking love Antony Hegarty of Antony and the Johnsons).

I wish Candy Darling were still here . . . 

I that not the most beautiful woman you have ever seen?
Photo property of Peter Kujar Source

Wednesday Reflections #8 - The Joys of Mental Illness

After Christmas, unbeknownst to me, I went into a six week long manic episode. It wasn't of the reckless, overspending, drinking, drugging, fucking variety - it was one wherein I felt like I was goal oriented, on task, and acting like an adult. I was oscillating between obsessions: Duran Duran, Christian Slater, and someone who should remain nameless as they are a real life acquaintance. I was writing a lot, and it was in this time that I decided to go back to school for my teaching certification. I was looking forward to starting school, beginning the spring semester of Deep, working with our new writing workshop, and continuing on my Couch to 5K program. I felt very motivated and in control.

Don't judge me.
Larry belonged to Central Florida
before he belonged to the world.

All of that came crashing down on February 15, at approximately 8 PM. After a very long day of lesson planning with my Deep co-teacher and attending an exclusive Deep Fellows Only lecture by Claire Cook (author of Must Love Dogs) I spent a couple of hours with j^C and That Sprout before heading to the first post-deployment FRG Social Event: Pot Luck and Pottery Painting. I was feeling kind of overwhelmed after the long day, ashamed for not having cooked anything for the pot-luck (I brought hummus and pita chips), and I was feeling sort of guilty for being the only one there who's husband had not deployed. (I later found that last one not to be true, but still, it's not a nice feeling to be in a room where everyone is kvetching that their man is toiling in the sun and sand while yours is at home drinking beer and tending to your kid.)

Even still, I was excited to get to meet some of the other wives. I was still in "super motivated mode", so I was hoping we could discuss some events or projects I could host or help organize. I was also looking forward to seeing the people who own the pottery shop, as they are two of my myriad sundry business owner friends in town. I painted a lot of pottery when I was pregnant.

I got to the event and realized that 1) my owner friends were not there, 2) me and the girl running the shop were the only people who had ever been inside the shop before and knew how things worked, and 3) I really didn't want to be there. I tried to make myself useful by telling people where the pottery prices were and how to get their paint. I began to feel paranoid. I'm still not sure if it's true or not, but I felt like I sounded like a snotty know it all. Then there were several instances wherein I stuck my foot in my mouth. I didn't feel very included in the conversation. It was like being an interloper at the cool kids table. Once again, I was a square peg.

The Paint is over there! Source

I left feeling very dejected. Depressed. Overwrought. Anxious.

The next day, I stayed home with That Sprout while j^C played rugby in the rain. I read all of John Fowles' The Collector. I tried to assemble Carl-os' care package. But mostly, I just felt really terrible. I kept replaying things over in my head. I began second guessing things that had nothing to do with the FRG.

The anxiety persisted into the next week, but I tried to stay on top of things. The straw that broke the camel's back was on Thursday when I realized that the serial killer I was going to write about didn't exist. I snapped. I was done. I didn't care anymore. I more or less disengaged for 2 weeks.

That would have been fine and well and good under normal circumstances. If I hadn't set up so many commitments for myself, I could have let the depression run it's course. There was only one problem with that: teacher certification courses have due dates, and mine were fast approaching. On the last day of February, I completely lost my shit and went into a full on panic attack. I had not been to sleep because I worked on my classes all night long. I had to lesson plan that day with my co-teacher, I had a meeting about the workshop, and then I had to try and make it to workshop that night. In between, I had a therapy appointment, wherein I cried and cried. I don't even remember what was said or if anything was resolved, I just know that I have felt much better since then.

Yes.

I am slowly getting back to where I feel like I am in control. To quote one of the Deep Kids from last semester "I am a young, productive lady for the future". I know it sounds cheesy, but I am really trying to focus on replacing negative thoughts with positive affirmations. I am listening to my body. I am still abstaining from meat. I am counting calories. That last one makes me really bitter sometimes, but I am seeing weight loss, so it must be working. I am working to make more time for meditation and movement, two things that are seriously lacking in my life. I started Deepak Chopra's 21 Day Meditation Challenge on Saturday, and I feel like it's doing some good. I striving to find balance. I know that without mood stabilizers mine is destined to be an up and down life, but I believe that lifestyle and attitude changes can make the ride manageable instead of unbearable.

Me on a good day. Source

It is my sincerest hope that I can finally get Carl-os' package in the mail this week, as well as some things to Mojo Jojo and Captain Tesla. In short, the above was my explanation of why I've been absent again. I was depressed. I was panicking. I couldn't hack it. I'm back now, hopefully for a while this time.

For more about what this feels like for me, see This is Why I'll Never Be an Adult the comic from which I stole that last picture (Allie, if you see this and are mad about the pic, let me know and I'll take it down. It just perfectly illustrates me right now. I'm even doing laundry today!). Allie Brosh also suffers from depression, although I am not sure if it's Manic Depression or not. I know that she is an amazingly talented web comic writer who made the brave decision to walk away from her comic/blog Hyperbole and a Half in order to better treat her depression. I have only been completely immobilized by my problems once, and it was for a very short time. This was a result of too little sleep and too much to do, and thankfully I was sent to a facility. I wasn't cured when I came out, but I was keenly aware of what my problem was and how to try to start addressing it. It's a struggle. My heart goes out to Allie and all the other incredible, kind, funny, beautiful, and crazy talented people who struggle with mental illness. To Allie in particular: I hope you are doing well, that you are getting better, and that we will hear from you again some day. Until then, take care of yourself. Know that I, and most of the internet it seems, love you.

Also, if you weren't aware, This:

A Quick Post Because This is Really Important