Daddy Issues

George Michael wrote a song about you.

I had a dream last night that I was finally able to tell him what he meant to me, and strangely, he didn't think I was weird for doing so. I buried my face in his chest and he held me close. It felt so safe. I have been dreaming about him a lot lately and it leaves me to wonder why I am feeling so insecure that I need my ersatz father figure so desperately.

I am sure that this is insecurity because I had another dream where he and Simon were kind of aloof and nasty to me. They are never like this in my dreams. Why am I feeling rejected? At least last night's dream made up for it. I also remember him saying something to the effect of he loved that no matter how I was feeling I could lose myself in the music - I wonder if that is some kind of subconscious metaphor for losing myself in him.

I have been losing myself in him for quite some time now - losing myself in the band. It began as me asserting my identity, but I wonder if I haven't gone too far and made the band the only part of me that anyone sees. Surely there is more to me than Duran Duran. They are a comfort to me though, they are safe. Nick and Simon are the fathers I wish I had.

I wish I could explain how good it felt to bury my face in the soft white cotton of his shirt and to feel his chest beneath it.