Dear Friends and Gentle People . . .

I would have written this book myself, but . . . ADD?
Source

I promised you all some time ago a series of compelling entries that would excite, educate, and delight you. Entries about rape, happiness and Andy Griffith. Entries I know you've been dying to read. "Where are these pearls of wisdom?" you must be wondering to yourselves.

Alas, they remain unwritten.

Things, as always, have been tumultuous around here. I don't deal well with tumult. Among a million other tiny disasters, my childcare situation has changed and I am re-adjusting to once again being a full time stay at home mom.

I'm just full of excuses, aren't I?

On the bright side, I am beginning to get into a groove again and I hope that things around here will start to pick up this week. I have so much that I want to talk to you about, not the least of which is the fact that I will be starting my MA in a few weeks. I am pretty excited in spite of myself.

Meanwhile, I've started a few more blogs in order to keep some of my random diatribes out of here. Check them out!

Worry not, dear readers, I have not forsaken you. I will be back tomorrow with stories and more updates. Right now I am tired and I need to go spend some quality time with j^C and them dogs.

Searching for Something I Cannot Identify

WARNING! DOWNER AHEAD!

As promised, I am back with something a little more profound to say.

I have been on this quest for some time now to become a happier person. There are varying opinions out there as to my general disposition; some people think I am a miserable complainer while others think I am Suzy Sunshine and can light up a room. I don't like being seen as an unhappy person. I like feeling unhappy even less. Yet I carry on, living a life of discontentment and quiet desperation. I experience very little in the way of bliss. Maybe bliss is something you grow out of.

In my quest for happiness, I am a sucker for a product that promises enlightenment and/or inner peace. Yesterday, I bought one such product. A journal called "One Good Deed A Day". 365 pages worth of good deeds with room for reflection, the book is like a guide to enjoying some simple things, loving oneself, and learning to experience gratitude. At least, this is my hope for the thing.

I had originally intended to fill the book in one page at a time from cover to cover, but I decided that it might be better if I leaf through and pick something that spoke to me on a particular day. Today I chose "Write a letter to an author you admire". Being that Bukowski and Nabokov are dead, I chose David Sedaris. That's where the exercise ended because I don't know what I would say. Perhaps after finishing this post, I'll give it a whirl. I'm terrified of coming off as over-eager.

I sometimes feel like Alanis Morissette's song "Would Not". I do all these things, and still I feel as though real happiness eludes me. I try to be zen. I try to declutter, clean, simplify. I try to take better care of myself. I try to make new friends. My life right now feels like a lot of try and fail, but still I chase after this feeling that I can't even identify or describe. I hear people talk about their husbands/wives/jobs/hobbies/children/pets/stamp collections with such joy and energy. Everything in my life that should bring me joy just ends up feeling like work.

But still I try. I hold out hope that someday everything will click. It's strange, but it feels like I'm closing in on it. Of course, that could just be me inching ever closer to catching my own tail.

A Quick Update in Memory of Stephen Covey

Today started off on the wrong foot, then around 3 o'clock it hit a snag and started on it's downward trajectory. Thankfully, a few hours later after a fullfilling workout at the gym, I feel I've come full circle. I'm feeling good about my workout and I am optimistic about the rest of the week. 

I am working on something profound to post later in the week, but for now I wanted to check in with you all.  As you know, it takes 30 days to form a habit, so I am going to try my damnedest to post every day for the next 30 days.

Now that I've set a goal, it's doomed to failure.

Later this week we are going to talk about:

• Rape
• Andy Griffith
• Happiness

For now, 6-2 and Even: Over and Out.

With Any Luck, the Hiatus is Over

I hear you all tittering out there. Source

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've written here. This makes me very sad, and I swear, it's not for lack of trying. I started a post about the TomKat split on the 5th, but I got a phone call that never seemed to end, then I had to pick up that Sprout, and then, and then, and then. And then my brain sort of short circuited and I started contemplating getting my nipples pierced and huge radioactive tattoos. Here we are 2 weeks later.

I've been trying in quiet desperation to get the house organized and decluttered, and it's slow going, let me tell you. There is a sink full - no - overflowing with dishes. There is no counter space because I'm in the process of reorganizing my cabinets. There's stuff - just random stuff - strewn in the floor from the kitchen, through the living room, and into my bedroom. Nothing has a place. My lack of organization and cleaning skills is appalling and exasperating. I want to live in a clean house, dammit. It is my hope that this week will see a drastic change in the state of affairs. j^C gets home in like 10 days. I've got to see some progress!

Part of the issue has been that I am useless for nearly 12 hours of the day. I got it in my head that I want to wake up at 4 am. So, I've been going to bed between 9 and 10. That seems like a more than adequate amount of sleep. Then I sleep until That Sprout wakes up, which is between 7 and 8. I've been getting between 9 and 12 hours of sleep a night on average. Then, I wake up and feel like human garbage. It's a struggle to get moving and an even bigger struggle to keep moving. Then, by 8 pm, all I want to do is lay in bed and watch The Andy Griffith Show. That's another story in and of itself.

Meanwhile, I've been working diligently with That Sprout on potty training. That means when she is home, she is running around in the buff and I'm watching her like a hawk to insure that she only pees a little in the floor. Saturday, she peed on me when I was holding her. The good part about that was that I immediately placed her on the toilet where she finished peeing. I'm counting that as a win. What's my point here? There's no house cleaning going on while That Sprout is home and awake. While I'm doing dishes or sorting canned food, she could be peeing in a corner, and we are not having that. No. No. No.

I've made a breakthrough though. I decided not to take my meds last night before I went to sleep. Lo and behold! I woke up of my own volition at 4 in the morning. I was shocked. Surely I wasn't fully rested. It was a trick. I laid in bed for an hour alternating between being very hot and very cold while tossing and turning and willing sleep to come. At 5, my clock radio went off, waking me with "Fated" by The Matthew Good Band. I need to really re-think my choice of songs to wake up to. Ballads about wanting to die might not be the best choice for starting one's day out on a positive note.

Since the alarm was going off, I got up, read my blog roll, and began this blog entry. I hope to find that this trend continues. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago and he lowered my dosage on the pill from 300 to 200. I think I could stand to go to 150 or 100. I'm feeling a lot better since being on it, but I'm also sleeping way too much and all I want to do is eat. All the things. I have gained like 10 pounds since being on it and I am way to close to 250 pounds for my comfort. This is most aggravating because despite my lack of energy, I worked out like 5 times last week.  At least OHI is kind of going well. I've decided to stop worrying about numbers. I am going to feel like a million bucks if I can run a 5K no matter how much I weigh when I do it.

As soon as That Sprout wakes up, I am going to go for a 3 mile walk with her. I've decided that I need to just move more. I plan to start my day with a walk/run (C25K). In the afternoons I am going to go to the gym for some more intense cardio and weights. I also figured out what my daily caloric intake needs to be, so I'll be doing a lot of diet math from now one. Oh boy. Math. My favorite.

So yeah. I'm back. Look forward to some interesting posts this week with a focus on happiness and introspection. By God, I am going to be a happier person if it kills me.

A Case of the Ick

Ick kills fish.
It just makes me fat and cranky.
Source

I went to bed last night at 9:30 with the best of intentions. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, tended to the dogs and hopped into bed - all the while thinking I would wake up at 5:30 and start my day bright eyed and bushy tailed. At 11:30 I awoke to barking and poop in the floor. I let the dogs out, cleaned up the poop, and went back to bed. I made sure to lock the dogs in their boxes this time. I didn't want to clean up anymore accidents if I could help it. 

At 3 am they decided they needed to go out again. This time, The Gator found her way out of the fence. I let Cody back inside and decided to let him roam the house for the rest of the night. I was confident he would wake me again if he needed to go out. At 4:30, I woke to hear incessant barking in the front yard. Molly was barking her fool head off at nothing in particular. I tried until a little after five to coax her back in the house, and then decided it was a lost cause. 

I went back to sleep only to be roused at 7 by That Sprout screaming "No! No! No!".  This is her new thing. She wakes up screaming "No!" until I come to let her out of her room. Strange, but cute. We snuggled for a while, took a bath, and then I went to Dunkin Donuts for a small iced coffee (no sugar, just milk) and an egg and steak croissant. Bad, I know. I am weak. I was tired. I didn't feel good, and I still don't. Meanwhile, The Gator is basking in the sun on the front lawn. She has not yet deigned to return to the comfort of the air conditioned house. I really don't understand that dog.

Today I am sleep deprived and over caffeinated which is not a good combination. It makes me feel pretty icky. As a result, very little has gotten done in the house. I am happy to report that I have located my FLYLady de-clutter baskets and I hope to put them to use in the kitchen later today. Meanwhile, I'm still finding pieces of broken glass on the floor from my sun tea catastrophe. What a disappointment. On the bright side, I decided to just make my own sun tea vessel. It won't have a tap, but those always leak anyway, so I will just be avoiding that disappointment. 

Right now, I am eating a bowl of cheesy oats and a diet Barq's under the assumption that it will make my stomach feel better. So far, my theory is correct. Ugh. If it ain't one thing, it's another.

Built-In Obsolescence

This is all that remains of my swell sun tea jar.
I foolishly thought I could carry it by the handle.
I was wrong.

At least there are still some simple pleasures left in life.
Specifically: chocolate syrup and bananas.

True Love and Friendship

I'm sure that I have plenty of personality traits that are less than ideal. My husband has intimated to me more than once that he thought I was "annoying" when we knew one other in high school. I tend to come on very strong. I want people to like me. Sadly, very few people are willing to talk to me long enough to cut through the awkward beginnings that occur more often than not. I am usually so eager to make someone like me that I blow it. I am too enthusiastic, too full of useless knowledge and idle pratter. I am a like a manic child begging for attention and approval. In short, I make a lousy first impression. 


Only those people lucky enough to either catch me on an exceptionally good day or who give me a second chance come to discover the real me. The real me has personality flaws as well; painfully insecure, self depricating, controlling, and negative. Thankfully, my talent at intelligent and witty discourse overshadows these flaws while highlighting my special brand of knowledge and humor as well as my fierce and unerring loyalty. I am loyal to a fault. If you are lucky enough to earn my love and respect, you can rest assured that I am going to have your back until the bitter end.

For my real life friends this means that I am going to try my level best to support you and your decisions, not matter how much I might disagree with them. It means that I am not going to get mad at you over petty inconviences. You will never put me out because I will always be happy to help you. The only time you will find me angry with you is when you've done something that has caused you to be hurt or diminished in some way. I don't like to see my friends hurt, sad, or discouraged. I want to see all of them suceed because I love them and I want what is best for them. This does not mean I get angry at them when they fail - it means that I will be angry with them when they fail. I don't tend to fight with my friends because it seems both silly and futile. If you find yourself fighting with your friends over petty injustices, maybe you outta re-examine your definition of friendship.

With regard to celebrities, my fierce loyalty means that they get a pass when they blow it. Christian Slater can make scads of lousy direct to DVD movies and I will watch them all and love him uncondidtionally because I know that he's a great actor. If you don't believe me, watch He Was a Quiet Man. I promise, it will make you a believer. My loyalty means that Duran Duran can make a record with one good single in between a whole lot of dreck and I will buy it, and I will give them another chance. I will forgive their musical transgressions because I know that they have been and will once again be great. There aren't many celebrities that get this loyalty out of me. I used to think MCR could do no wrong, but Danger Days kind of killed it for me. That album convinced me that I never loved them - not really. If I had, I wouldn't have been so angry and disappointed with the album. I hear tell that they are even now working on a fifth album and I really could not care less.

There are a handful of people - a precious few - who have my fierce and un-erring loyalty. These are people who I love more than myself. They complete me in different ways. When they are not around I am less because of it. They are talented, multifaceted, beautiful people who I love withoug end. I am so lucky to have such people in my life. I give of my love and devotion freely because I am better having known them.