Hello kids! Long time, no see. It would seem that I can only be bothered to show up here when I've had a particularly interesting night of dreaming. And last night was quite interesting.
For the first part of the night I was with a man who was my stepfather (?) and who looked very much like Woody Allen. And we were engaging in a torrid affair. Gross. Thankfully, I after I awoke from this nightmare (I mean, really. There's no other way to describe it, is there?), I returned to slumber and found myself at a coffee shop with Lou Reed and my friend Susan from Savannah. We were having coffee and what looked to be tiramisu gelatto at an outside table. The weather was beautiful and we were having a wonderful time, except I felt the need to impart upon Mr. Reed how much I loved him.
But this wasn't the type of hero worship that a fan such as myself bestows upon her idol. This was the genuine, deep, heartfelt love of a daughter for her father. I believe in the context of the dream that he was my father and that we all knew that he didn't have long to live. This coffee outing was meant to be some kind of joyous get together, and it was joyful, despite the fact that Lou had tears streaming down his face at one point. I suppose he was sad to be leaving us, but he was also happy to know that he was so loved.
I don't know what the genesis of this dream was. I had a particularly rough day yesterday, so maybe I just needed to see the face of someone who I feel would understand me. I feel so isolated and alone right now. It occurred to me yesterday morning as I was listening to Casey Kasem on the radio that I am terribly homesick. Not for Crescent City necessarily, but for a time - a feeling that I can't seem to recover.
I want to feel like I belong somewhere, that I am a part of something greater than myself. Alas. I do not. I fear I never will. I have never been the type to find my place within a group. A few notable exceptions are when I was an RA in the SouthSide dorms at UWF and when I was a Deep Fellow. I think the difference is that in both of these groups diversity was encouraged and celebrated. It didn't matter how different everyone on the team was as long as we were all working toward the common goal of serving students. I wasn't always understood, but I always felt accepted and like I was a valuable.
Now? Not so much.
